He Fake Invited Me On A Trip

One morning Cal the Cop text messaged me that he was drunk-golfing with his best friend, Joe. A few hours later, I received a text that drunk-golfing had turned into drunk-trip planning, and the two of them were sobering up and heading down to Atlantic City for the night.

“You should come,” he said.

“Nah, I’m not cool enough to ride in a Camaro,” I replied, knowing full-well he was just messing with my head as per usual.

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Check Your Phone & The Date Is Blown

Constant phone-checking is one of my biggest pet peeves. I have two friends that physically cannot put their cell phones down during dinner. I’ll be talking and talking and receive no eye contact whatsoever. What ends  up happening is that I get annoyed and take my phone, and we look like two idiots text messaging each other from across the damn table. Those same friends click, click, click as I’m talking to them on the phone. They think I can’t hear them texting as they “Uh huh” me as I talk. That is why I don’t call them.

If I was on a date, and this happened, I would totally bug out. Unfortunately, for once in my life, I actually don’t have a story about this rude phenomenon. Maybe I radiate a bitchiness that screams Check that phone and lose your penis. Who knows.

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When You Accidentally Text The Person You’re Bashing

As much as I love my iPhone, a SmartPhone is only as smart as its owner — and sometimes I’m pretty freaking spacey. Before you agree with me too whole-heartedly, the scenario I’m about to describe to you has definitely occurred at least once in your lifetime.

We’ve all done it. You’re talking about someone with a friend of yours. Usually either (a) bashing that person or (b) crying over how much you miss them. Then, with their name still stuck in your head, you go to send a text message. In your rage or tears, you hit “Send” and realize just a second too late that you did not send it to your friend…you sent it to him/her.

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A Little Tongue Goes A Long Way…

Okay, so for all you pervs out there, this post is not dirty. As a matter of fact, it’s downright adorable. I have a theory about using smiley tongue faces. My theory is: It rocks. Everyone should use smiley tongue faces because they make every single text message better.

I was trying to explain this to my friend Mike the other day.

“By adding a “:P” to the end of any given text message, you immediately look like the cutest person on earth. For example, you could say ‘Hey, fuckface :P’ and the person receiving the text will giggle.'”

This occurs every day of my life. I’ll want to convey my cutesy/devious smirk and stare, but how can you really do that through texting? I’ll tell you how! The Continue reading

Piss Me Off One Time & You Go From Being My Muse to Super Old News

The following is a texting conversation that I had with a guy (who I call Bill) the day after he heartlessly bashed everything I stood for for an entire hour…

Bill: Hey. Just wanted to say sorry about last night’s conversation. I think it got blown out of proportion and from the start of the night I was kinda mad. I shouldn’t have let the rest of my night come own on you. Sorry it took me this long to realize, but our convo seemed like a big miscommunication.

Me: Nothing was miscommunicated. And I don’t want to see you anymore.

Bill: … Ok

Bill: If you’re trying to joke around, that was not funny at ALL. And if you’re serious… I dunno what to say.

Bill: Answer me please.

Me: I could not be more clear. Continue reading