Don Draper or Don Juan?

Featured

don-draper-shrug

So my latest obsession – Mad Men – has brought on this latest post. With each passing episode, I am learning that Don Draper (the show’s protagonist) is a huge, huge slut. I talk about 16 women in this post alone, and I’m not even up to Season 5 yet. I’m also learning that the women around him – women who are breaking stereotypes by entering into the workforce mind you – are also huge, huge sluts. Susan B. Anthony must be rolling in her grave watching these “ladies” behave! In additional to the constant fornication going on throughout each episode, it’s unbelievable to me that these professionals can drink hard liquor throughout the day, have several extra-marital affairs throughout the evening, and still make it home to kiss their wives good night.

mad1

Oh, how Don loves his women. And when I say “love”, I use that term loosely. After all, Don doesn’t feel love. He believes it’s something he invented to sell nylons. I would use my many Psychology classes to classify him as a serial cheater, who was perhaps even scarred for life by his prostitute mother (who died in child birth) and mean-spirited cheater of a father. Who knows, maybe he even inherited a cheating gene, causing him to cross every woman he encounters. Actually, I take that back. I’m not excusing all his terrible behavior with a simple, “Poor Don, it’s probably not his fault.” I’m not giving this guy any wiggle room here. His many, many hoes give him enough of that already.

Spoiler Alert Continue reading

50 Shades of Needing Psychotherapy

Featured

50-shades-of-grey-is-only-romantic-because-the-guy-is-rich-if-he-was-living-in-a-trailer-itd-be-an-episode-of-criminal-minds-or-svu-8d8fe

I was elated to see the above e-card because it proves that there are others out there who feel the same way I do: 50 Shades of Grey is really 50 shades of effed up. If you haven’t read the books – aka housewife pornography – or seen the movie, you may be slightly lost. Then again, if you’ve watched any sort of dominant porn in your life, you can follow along just fine.

Christian Grey, 27-year-old billionaire (because millionaire would be too ordinary) takes a shining to poor, little Anastasia Steele. Not because she’s beautiful (she’s not), not because she’s special (she’s not), but because she is mousy, quiet, and introverted, with an unusual amount of sexual inexperience. She’s the type of girl that’s doe-eyed and eager to please, which are perfect submissive qualities in a dominant/submissive “relationship.”

Naturally this 21-year-old virgin who’s possibly never been kissed falls straight in love with this gorgeous, strapping, never-been-seen-with-a-female corporation owner. It probably doesn’t hurt that he’s buying her affection with a brand new 2015 Audi R8 and an invitation to live in his 5,100-square-foot custom-designed penthouse apartment.

Once Ana signs a contract – a contract – that basically legally allows Christian to beat the shit out of her and rape her on a daily basis, he will essentially own her. Well, well, that doesn’t sound very Christian-like at all, does it? Which brings me to the point of this post. Instead of focusing on how 50 Shades of Grey is hot and steamy and something to yearn for, shouldn’t we be thinking, Holy shit, am I really reading/seeing this?

(Spoiler alert) Continue reading

Apparently Double the Pleasure Isn’t Just for Doublemint Gum Anymore


como-complacer-a-un-hombre-en-la-cama

 

***XXX Post***

A friend of mine told me a horrifying story last week that put many of my bad dates to shame. Every time I thought my jaw couldn’t drop any further, a new detail shocked me again.

Back in freshman year of college, Ellie, a really pretty, petite girl, had her eye on a hot junior, John, who lived down the hall in her co-ed dorm. The two started making out at a party in his room, and before she knew it, everyone was gone and it was just the two of them. Things got hot and heavy, and they ended up naked on his bed with the lights off. That’s when he got up to get a condom.

When he got back on top of her with the condom, she opened her eyes to a terrifying sight — the naked guy sitting on her WAS NOT JOHN.  Continue reading

When Having Alley Sex With A Hooker, Always Be Sure To Look For A Five O’Clock Shadow

Featured

I have a bunch of friends that work in the sanitation department – and let me tell you…those guys have some stories.

One night at four in the morning, one of the guys, who I’ll call Lou, came across a hooker.

“For thirty bucks I’ll give you a blowjob,” she said.

“Frank, you gotta let me borrow thirty bucks,” Lou said to his coworker. “I promise I’ll finish the rest of the route.” Continue reading

Giving New Meaning To “A Balcony View”

Featured

cheating2

Two of my good friends, Lucy and Jack, went on vacation to Aruba a few years ago. They had a beautiful room, but were a little annoyed that it wasn’t beachfront but, rather, on the third floor. Rather than let it ruin their trip, they decided to see the light in the situation — privacy.

One afternoon after going for a swim they decided to “consummate their love”. Anyway, after about a half hour, Jack saw something in the corner of his eye, which made both of them turn toward the window. Horrified, they came to a realization: Close the curtains even if your room isn’t on the ground level. Continue reading

My Friend’s One-Finger-Stand

XXX: You know the drill — If you’re old or really young or related to me STOP READING THIS POST IMMEDIATELY!!!

The other night I had dinner with two of my girlfriends. I know them from back back back in the day when the three of us used to work together. We try and get together every six months or so to catch up. Since so much time passes, we literally talk for hours straight, sharing all of our stories.

Cynthia had one story that literally had me and Michelle in tears.

“So did I tell you about my one-night stand in Atlantic City?”

Continue reading

“I Thought You Were Shy — This Skinny White Bitch Is OUT OF CONTROL!”

Yes, everyone at Lucky Cheng’s last night, the lunatic in the hot pink/zebra dress was me. And, yes, I was giving a lap dance to a complete stranger on stage in front of a restaurant full of people at a transvestite cabaret. As you can see in the progression of events, I went from shy and afraid to wild and crazy in a matter of about ten seconds. What? I wanted to win the contest!

Continue reading

Jen And Men…Who Dress Like Jen

This past weekend, my girlfriends and I went out to Lucky Cheng’s to celebrate my 25th birthday. (I know, I know, I’m insanely old.) For those of you who are not familiar with this establishment, it is a restaurant/drag queen cabaret. Within five minutes of choosing between two drinks — the Pink Pussy and the Flaming Poon — we witnessed a lap dance that made even me blush.

Continue reading

“Hey Jen, I Dumped You and Don’t Really Want To Be Friends…But Can We Have Sex?”

I recently dated a guy that I genuinely cared for. We both fell fast and hard and, although there were many, many differences in our lives, backgrounds, family situations, and work schedules, I chose to look past all of that and try and make us work.

Our relationship started off really great. I met him while waiting for a date and attempting to get into a lounge without an ID. He pursued me insistently and weaseled his way into my line of vision by introducing himself, and asking me if he could buy me my “first and last drink” of the night.

Within a day he told me that he wanted to “build a relationship” with me – something no one had ever really said before. He asked me to be his girlfriend and stop dating other guys. And, for some strange reason that I couldn’t put my finger on, I did it without blinking an eye. I fully gave my heart to him without so much as knowing him a full 48 hours.

It sounded crazy to my friends, but we had an instant connection and exchanged “I love yous” within the first four days of being together. I loved so much about him – his laugh, his smile, the way he kissed me. I was fascinated by his background and his dreams and his goals. I would cry when he’d sing to me in my ear or while staring into my eyes. We would slow-dance in his room and he would squeeze me and tell me how out of my league he was. And I wanted nothing but to be with him. Continue reading

A Guy’s Idea of a “Perfect” Chick

Last night, my friend Joe told me a story that left me shaking my head. He began by asking, “Jen, did I tell you about the perfect girl I met a few months ago?”

Excited to hear about a love story, and confused as to why it ended, I anxiously told him that he had not.

“I can’t really remember how we met. I think it was online,” he started. (Already the beginning signs that this was not exactly a perfect romance if he couldn’t even remember where he had met her.)

“Anyway, she drove the hour to my apartment and we went out to dinner and walked on the beach – you know, all that corny date bullshit. Then we came back to my apartment and started drinking. And, when I say drinking, I mean like hard-core, glasses and glasses of vodka drinking.”

“Okay, go on,” I said, thinking about how disgusting vodka is, and how I’d never drink that much on a date.

“So, yeah, as the night went on, I started to realize that there was no way I could date this girl. She just had too many problems and I knew it would never work…So then we ended up having Continue reading