Happy Valentine’s Day, Sweetie, Here’s a Salad

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My boyfriend, Mark, told me about an article that asks what is and is not acceptable as a Valentine’s Day gift. Apparently a bunch of women were interviewed and 10/10 of them agreed that dinner could and should be counted as the gift itself.
I just have one question: Were these women interviewed from the confines of their rooms or in the common room at the Mental Institution they’re staying at? Continue reading

A Romantic Vacation Isn’t Complete Without A Head Injury

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For the first time ever, I went on a romantic couple’s vacation. My boyfriend, Mark, took me to Jamaica last week. Because he is the outdoorsy type, we did some pretty crazy stuff, including ziplining, river-tubing, and climbing a waterfall. I, myself, prefer calmer activities — massages, poolside sunbathing, and peaceful kayaking off the shoreline. Well, the massage was painful as Hell, I got an insane sunburn, and the damn kayaking almost killed me! Ironic, I know.

I was mocked by the Water Sports Activities’ director the second I strapped the life vest on (with his help) and sat down in the boat. Continue reading

He Had The Key To Her Heart, But Not Her Jail Cell

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Last month, my friend Jill spent the night with the guy she was seeing, Kyle. There was only problem: His parents were extremely strict and she wasn’t actually allowed to be there.

They were planning on beating the system by waking up at 7AM, before his parents woke up. Naturally, they overslept.

At 9:30AM, Jill called our friend Marissa.

“Mariss, you have to come get me,” she frantically whispered. I’m hiding out in Kyle’s basement until his parents go out to breakfast.” Continue reading

Is That Your Thong Wrapped Around My Chihuahua’s Head?

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BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA (2008)<br /><br /><br />
PIPER PERABO (left), CHLOE (right)My friend Marissa (the fake belly dancer) told me a hilarious story that reminded me of one of my favorite episodes of Frasier.

One morning, after spending the night with her boyfriend, she started getting dressed to go home. Unfortunately, she was missing something: her thong. She looked all over his room, and then eventually gave up and left the house commando.

Later that day, her boyfriend called her hysterically laughing. Continue reading

When There’s Nothing But A Guitar Between You & Your Girlfriend’s Parents

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photoMy friend Jack recently took up the guitar. One morning, he woke up at his girlfriend Lucy’s house and decided to sneak into the living room in his underwear to practice.
 
As he sat there playing a Greenday song, he heard the jingling of a lock. In walked Lucy’s parents, holding cleaning supplies and breakfast (their weekly tradition which he had completely forgotten about).
 
Shit, Jack thought. What am I gonna do now??

Fel-Lay-She-Oh-No!

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The following is a guest post from a JenAndMen reader (who I’ll call Frank). Frank emailed me at JenAndMen@hotmail.com to tell me about a time he was caught by an uncle of his girlfriend-at-the-time, while she was…well, while she was doing something that no one would ever want their uncle to see…

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Giving New Meaning To “A Balcony View”

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Two of my good friends, Lucy and Jack, went on vacation to Aruba a few years ago. They had a beautiful room, but were a little annoyed that it wasn’t beachfront but, rather, on the third floor. Rather than let it ruin their trip, they decided to see the light in the situation — privacy.

One afternoon after going for a swim they decided to “consummate their love”. Anyway, after about a half hour, Jack saw something in the corner of his eye, which made both of them turn toward the window. Horrified, they came to a realization: Close the curtains even if your room isn’t on the ground level. Continue reading

Is It Weird To Sit Next To My Boyfriend At Restaurants?

As you already know, my boyfriend, Mark, and I are constantly disgusting those around us by canoodling, kissing, and gazing into each other’s eyes. I was hoping it would get better but I actually think it somehow got worse.

A few nights ago I met Mark in Manhattan for dinner at Tony Dinapoli’s. We sat across from each other and held hands under the table and played footsie over the table. Not too bad, right? Okay there may have been minor gazing. A few air kisses. And one real kiss when I got up because I couldn’t resist any longer. Alright we’re disgusting. I’ll pay the dry cleaning bill for the shirt you just vomited on.

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Girls Who Go After Guys Who Are Taken: Tisk Tisk

I have already admitted that I love guys that I can’t have in Wanting What You Can’t Have: I Love Guys In Relationships. I will now discuss the girls who also feel this way but listen to that devil on their shoulder. We call those girls whores. Sorry. We call them…home-wreckers? Yes, home-wreckers sounds nicer.

A JenAndMen reader named Kimberly wrote me the following comment today:

What pisses me off is when girls are ALLLL over a guy who they KNOW is dating someone else. My favorite? Co-workers. My bf has a co-worker who just would NOT hop off! She would always bbm him late at night sobbing about her love life and how so and so broke up with her. He would not feed into it and blew her off and she did NOT Continue reading

Wanting What You Can’t Have: I Love Guys In Relationships

I’m pretty sure that I’m a little twisted in the head, but there’s something about finding out that a guy is married or in a relationship that makes me like him. I guess it’s the classic tale of wanting what you can’t have. If I see a potential guy, I think, Hmm, he’s cute. If I see a wedding ring on his finger or find out he’s in a serious relationship I think, I must have him.

I’m going to make a food analogy here (for all of you who know me personally, I know you’re real shocked by this). Unless the food is the greatest tasting thing on earth, or the most grotesque, I am easily swayed in my opinion of it. I shall explain…

When I go out to a restaurant and order something new (a rarity), my mom knows to never tell me what she thinks of it before I taste it. I have no idea why, but the second someone says, “Ew, this is gross,” I physically cannot form an opinion of my own. I go into it thinking it tastes really bad, and can’t shake the thought, even if it doesn’t. I hate that about myself, but it’s one of those weird quirks that I can’t seem to grow out of. Anyway, I kind of feel the same way about guys.

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I Want Someone to be Excited to Talk to *Me* for a Change

My friend John is constantly dishing to me about what happens on his dating escapades. I get the full story: From the first OKCupid message to the texts, to the dates, to the lack-of-texts after the dates. I’m literally shocked at how many girls act like guys and ignore his efforts at conversation. Finally, during one particular conversation of the two of us bitching about our love lives, John said something that I guess I’ve been subconsciously thinking for a long time.

He was telling me about this girl that would answer his text messages back sporadically; therefore, he would only text her during certain parts of the day, etc, etc. We were cultivating a plan that would force her to answer him, while having him wait to answer her so as not to appear too excited to talk to her when he stopped and said, “Not to sound like a loser, but is it so wrong that I want someone to be excited to talk to me for a change?

I paused and thought about what he had said. “No, that doesn’t make you a loser at all. That makes you human.”

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I Went On Plenty of Fish And Caught A Worm

As I’ve said before, I’m the type of girl who’s pretty much incapable of dating more than one guy at a time. If I like you, you’re it for me — Until I dislike you.

That being said, I had been dating a guy for a couple of weeks, and decided that I wanted to spend my time with him and him, alone. I text messaged the two or three people I was hanging out with here and there, and told them that I had met someone and wanted to see where it was going to go.

One guy, Dave, was really understanding about it.

“That’s cool. I’m sort of seeing someone myself,” he responded.

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Taking Unwarranted Credit For Being A Vegetarian!

Most vegetarians feel very strongly about their lifestyle choice.  There are so many documentaries, films, and articles written on the subject.  Poor, defenseless animals being slaughtered for our own gluttony.  Meat going bad for lack of sale, while other countries have people starving.  Animals being cloned for mass-production, producing frightening specimens that are simply unnatural.  For decades, advocates of vegetarianism have fought to spread the word of their healthy, kill-free lifestyle. I commend these people.

On the other hand, I hate people who claim to be vegetarians because they are against the killing of animals when, in reality, they just don’t like meat.  I don’t like the taste of lamb, but you don’t hear me saying it’s because of Mary’s little friend.

I used to be friends with a girl, Hollie, who was grossed out by meat.  Yes, grossed out.  That just made me grossed out by her.  Whereas I begin salivating at the very thought of a juicy, flavorful, medium-rare steak, a big, thick cheeseburger, or a scrumptious roast beef or pot-roast, this girl was nauseated by it all.  It didn’t help matters much that she went away to college.  College cafeterias are usually known for their mystery meats.

One day, Hollie decided that she Continue reading

Don’t Shoot The Match-Maker!

A few years ago, one of my girlfriends had a crush on one of my guy friends. I grabbed my bow-and-heart-shaped-arrows and thought “YES! This is absolutely perfect!”

Yes, I stupidly played match-maker and set them up on a double date with me and my boyfriend-at-the-time.

The date was a success and they ended up starting a relationship. Everything was going great. She would gush about him every day to me, and he would tell me how awesome she was.

Then one day, things started going downhill. She would complain to me about little things he had done, and he, in turn, would get my ear and tell me that she was being kind of difficult. They would also both little jokes about how if I didn’t introduce them they wouldn’t be as stressed out. I’d laugh, but think about what my mother always says: A lot of truth is said in jest.

As the months went on, and I saw that playing Cupid was bad enough, but playing therapist was worse, they eventually Continue reading

Gifts That Make Me Want To Shank You, Not Say “Thank You”

This has happened to all of us.  It’s Christmas (or any other holiday you celebrate) or our birthday or anniversary, and you see it: The box. The box that is pre-wrapped by a salesperson – and judging by the size – is most likely jewelry.  You look at your boyfriend with your eyes wide with anticipation, and rip open that little sucker like your 6-years-old tearing away at what you know is that awesome talking and peeing doll that you’ve been asking your parents for for weeks.

You lift open the top of the box, preparing to scream, “Oh my God!” and then…there it is.  Less “Oh my God” and more “Myyy God :(”. In a style that perhaps your Great-Aunt Beatrice would wear, there lies your earrings, necklace, bracelet, ring.  Tears start to form in your eyes and you don’t really know what to do. Thoughts race through your head like wildfire.

Don’t cry, he’ll feel terrible, and it’s Christmas. Wait, he just made me feel terrible, and it’s freaking Christmas. No, no, he didn’t mean to. Although, I did tell him exactly what I wanted…so what is this crap?! Do not fight on Christmas. I want to stab him in the jugular. Continue reading