Don’t Shoot The Match-Maker!

A few years ago, one of my girlfriends had a crush on one of my guy friends. I grabbed my bow-and-heart-shaped-arrows and thought “YES! This is absolutely perfect!”

Yes, I stupidly played match-maker and set them up on a double date with me and my boyfriend-at-the-time.

The date was a success and they ended up starting a relationship. Everything was going great. She would gush about him every day to me, and he would tell me how awesome she was.

Then one day, things started going downhill. She would complain to me about little things he had done, and he, in turn, would get my ear and tell me that she was being kind of difficult. They would also both little jokes about how if I didn’t introduce them they wouldn’t be as stressed out. I’d laugh, but think about what my mother always says: A lot of truth is said in jest.

As the months went on, and I saw that playing Cupid was bad enough, but playing therapist was worse, they eventually Continue reading

“Jen, If I Continue Seeing You, My Father Will Die”

When I was 18 I used to sit behind a guy in my Media class and stare at him throughout the two-hour lecture. One day I saw him walking on campus and I asked him if we had homework due that class. My sad attempt to talk to him actually worked and we exchanged numbers. We started texting throughout class. And then we started texting outside of class. And then we started meeting for coffee outside of class.

I found out that he had an insanely strange name, (which I won’t say here – I’ll call him Khalid instead).  Khalid was Palestinian and Muslim.  I was a little shocked by this at first, but didn’t really give it a second thought.  I did give his eyes a second thought, his lips a second thought, his smile a second thought – okay maybe a third and fourth thought, too…

One Saturday night, my friends and I decided to go to a club in Queens called DNA. I invited Khalid to come and join us. Even though he told me that he never went out, he showed up with his friends and danced with me all night long. He ended up kissing me and pretty much making my existence. Continue reading

High School Cruelty Becomes College Revenge For Girls Who Are Late Bloomers :P

When I was in high school I used to stalk – ahem, pine after – an actor I was in a high school play with (who I’ll call Luke). Going to an all-girl Catholic school, seeing boys in the hallway was like seeing a double rainbow (complete with the tears of joy and everything). I don’t know what it was about this particular one that caught my eye, but I was absolutely gaga over him. I was 15 and he was 19, and I literally thought this guy was God’s gift to this earth. And it’s funny because, looking back, he wasn’t all that amazing. But, as per usual, the fact that he wanted nothing to do with me completely made me want to bear his children.

Anyway, I made it known that I loved him. And he made it known that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I remember him one day IMing me on AIM and telling me that I was a really nice, pretty girl but I was “just a baby” and he wasn’t willing to go to jail for me. Naturally, that broke my little 15-year-old heart.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me, he would do things to purposely put me down. He would continue to IM me, knowing full-well that I was secretly picking out my wedding dress. He once put his arm over my head in front of a mutual friend of ours, and asked me if I would lick his armpit (yeah, I know, gross). On another occasion, I asked him to take a picture with me and he put his elbow on my head before taking a normal shot with his arm around me. Continue reading

“Oh My God, Am I A Rebound??”

Rebound: Someone you hook up with shortly after being dumped (by someone else) so that you still feel wanted.

A lot of people think that if you date someone shortly after breaking it off with someone else, then the person you’re with is your rebound. I have had a guy flat-out ask me if he was my rebound; and I assured him that I don’t believe in rebounds. Not for myself, anyway.

There are people who get dumped by their boyfriend or girlfriend and feel like they physically cannot be by themselves. They think that no one will ever want them, that they’re going to die alone and never get married or have a family or find love. These are the people who find rebounds.

I, on the other hand, simply like Continue reading

Is Going On A “Break” Acceptable?

Is there really such a thing as a “break”? A few nights ago my friend Mike told me that he doesn’t believe in breaks. If his girlfriend told him that she needs a break from him, then he’d tell her that she could have a break for the rest of her life.

On the other hand, a girlfriend of mine took a break from her boyfriend and realized that she missed him way too much to stay apart over minor disagreements they used to have.

To be honest I don’t know where my allegiance lies in this particular case because I think that sometimes a break is necessary for couples to assess what they want in their relationship and in their lives. Sometimes it takes a few days and some space from your partner to realize “Hey, I really want to be with this person…maybe I was just overreacting” or “You know what — I’ve really enjoyed these few days without him/her and I don’t think that we belong together after all.” Continue reading

“I Think I Went On A Date With A Married Man”

My friend Nick told me a story today about his friend Halle. She called him up the other day and said, “Nick I think that I went on a date with a married man today.”

“How do you know?” Nick asked.

“I went over to his house to watch a movie and I had to use the bathroom, so of course while I was in there I snooped. I opened up the cabinet under the sink and saw every feminine product ever made. There were tampons, lotions, Skintimate shave gel, Venus razors, etc.”

“Yeah, that seems pretty suspect,” Nick said.

“Oh, it got worse,” Halle responded. Continue reading

You Need A Male Friend’s Opinion If You Want The Cold, Hard Truth About The Guy You’re Dating…

Girls, there is a very big difference between a male and female friend’s advice and opinions about the guy you’re dating.  I love my girlfriends, and always hold their views and thoughts in the utmost esteem, but the fact of the matter is they will always sugarcoat a situation for me.

Even if they don’t do it consciously, girls are always going to look for the best in a person or situation. Male friends, on the other hand, won’t hesitate to tell you something that is going to upset you or make you feel bad because all they know how to do is verbalize what they think at that moment. No sugarcoating. No beating around the bush.

One of my best friends, Nick, and I talk on the phone for about an hour three nights a week or so, sharing stories about our dating experiences. When it’s my turn to vent, I am usually either crying or whining or bitching (or all three at the same time) about the guy or guys that I’m dating. Continue reading

Is Technology Ruining Modern Relationships?

“I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and the whole thing just got out of control…Now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.” –He’s Just Not That Into You

There is no denying that technology plays a crucial role in all of our lives.  The fact that you’re even reading this blog – which is short for web log – on the world wide web is proof that this statement is true.  Because we use technology in our everyday dealings with work, fun, and social interactions, it’s no surprise, then, that we would incorporate this same technology in our budding (or long-term) relationships.  But – is this same amazing new ability actually the cause of most relationships failing?

The Good: How often do get a text message from a new prospect, and just hearing the ringtone gets your heart all a-flutter?  Then you do that ridiculous thing where you answer it back with a huge, goofy smile on your face, even if you’re sitting on a crowded NYC train or walking down the street.  Yeah, I know.  I spot you freaks all the time. But don’t worry, I do it, too.  It’s human nature.  We love attention and love feeling wanted and thought about. That’s why it’s so easy to pick out who’s texting someone they like and who’s texting their boss.

Continue reading

Guys, Only Start Sentences With “I Like You Better…” If You’re Looking For An Assisted Suicide Partner

Girls don’t like it when you tell them that they look “better” a certain way. For example, and not that I’m speaking from experience or anything (eye roll), but girls with curly hair hate – hate – when guys tell them that they “like [them] better with straight hair.”

Guys, I know you’re trying to say something nice. I know you think you are saying something nice. But the fact of the matter is – you should just keep your mouth closed when it comes to hair, style, and basically anything that has to do with our looks.

Let’s think about this logically. I was born was thick, flowing Carrie Bradshaw curls. (Okay, so technically I was bald until I was 3 but you get where I’m going with this.) Therefore, my hair is curly 99.9% of the time. If a guy I like tells me that he “prefers my hair straight” then he is basically saying that he only thinks I look beautiful (or at least my best) .01% of the time. Really, dude? Is that the best compliment you can come up with? Continue reading

No, Not Picking Up Your Phone Call Does Not Mean “Send Me A Naked Photo of Yourself”

About a week ago, I started talking to this guy (who I’ll call Derek) that I met online.  We messaged back and forth before he gave me his number because I was “cool.”  After texting for about a day, I decided to give him a call.  We spoke for about 10 minutes. Unfortunately, his cheesy New Jersey accent totally killed any chance this guy had with me.  I was relieved when he said he needed to call me back to ask his roommate a question, and I decided to play the bitch-card and just not pick up when I saw his name on my caller ID five minutes later.

A few hours went by, and I had basically forgotten about him, when I saw my iPhone lighting up.  Excited to see who it was, I grabbed the phone and quickly glanced down at the glowing screen.  My face immediately turned from anticipation to disgust when I squinted my eyes and realized what I had received.

The text message was from Derek, so I was already disappointed.  However, upon further inspection, I realized that it was a photo.  And not just any photo – a NAKED photo. Continue reading

“Having A Girl Tell You She’s Not Interested Isn’t As Great As You’d Think It’d Be…”

My friend Brian and I always talk about how much he hates when girls just stop answering texts or calls when they’re uninterested or have met someone else.

“Just tell me. I’ll move on to the next girl and not give it a second thought,” he always says.

There’s something about the complete cut-off that drives people crazy. Some do it because they literally don’t care enough to end it with the person they’re talking to or seeing. Some care too much and are afraid that if they tell the other person they’ll hurt their feelings. Others, like myself, do it to make a statement. In my case, the statement is usually: “I’m no longer putting up with your shit, asshole” and the lack of words says it all.

Brian recently met a girl online and was texting with her for a few days. Then, one day she just stopped answering his texts.

He waited a few days until that weekend and finally said, “Hey, I haven’t heard from you. Did I do something wrong?” Continue reading

“Okay, Where Is Ashton Kutcher Because I’m Obviously Being Punked…”

One of my best friends, Melissa, recently told me a story about an ugly, dorky little guy (who I’ll call Jeff) who she just met in Spain.  After a ten-minute-long conversation, in which Jeff told her what he did for a living, where he lived, how he traveled for work, etc, he told her that he would send her some excess samples that he had gotten from his job.

“That would be great,” Melissa said.  “We’ll keep in touch through Facebook.”

“Ummm, there’s a little thing called privacy,” Jeff said to her, his words dripping with attitude.

“What?” Melissa asked confused, having never heard those words before.

“I feel that Facebook is for family and friends that I personally know,” he said. (PS, he did meet her in person so this kid was just an all-around idiot.)

This is when Melissa looked at me and said, “Jen, I swear to God I started looking around for Ashton Kutcher, because I was sure I was being punked.”

Continue reading

“Hey Jen, I Dumped You and Don’t Really Want To Be Friends…But Can We Have Sex?”

I recently dated a guy that I genuinely cared for. We both fell fast and hard and, although there were many, many differences in our lives, backgrounds, family situations, and work schedules, I chose to look past all of that and try and make us work.

Our relationship started off really great. I met him while waiting for a date and attempting to get into a lounge without an ID. He pursued me insistently and weaseled his way into my line of vision by introducing himself, and asking me if he could buy me my “first and last drink” of the night.

Within a day he told me that he wanted to “build a relationship” with me – something no one had ever really said before. He asked me to be his girlfriend and stop dating other guys. And, for some strange reason that I couldn’t put my finger on, I did it without blinking an eye. I fully gave my heart to him without so much as knowing him a full 48 hours.

It sounded crazy to my friends, but we had an instant connection and exchanged “I love yous” within the first four days of being together. I loved so much about him – his laugh, his smile, the way he kissed me. I was fascinated by his background and his dreams and his goals. I would cry when he’d sing to me in my ear or while staring into my eyes. We would slow-dance in his room and he would squeeze me and tell me how out of my league he was. And I wanted nothing but to be with him. Continue reading

The Suck-Fest That Is A Declining Relationship

Women have been trying to figure out the “Why has he changed?” phenomenon for centuries. Sadly, the “Don’t worry about it” advice just won’t cut it. Telling a girl not to worry about it is like telling a person that they can think about anything but a pink elephant. Come on.

So, instead, my friend Melissa and I came up with some pretty great analogies to the suck-fest that is a declining brand new relationship.

Analogies that can be made when considering the beginning and end of a relationship:

1. When you get dressed up and made up to go out on the town with your girlfriends. At the beginning of the night, you look like a rock star. Awesome makeup, hot outfit (including stilettos), and flawless hair. You take pictures, get some drinks, dance. Before you know it, the entire night has gone by and you’re now stumbling out of the club, holding what have to be the most painful shoes ever made in your hand, eye makeup looking raccoon-like, and hair resembling Diana Ross. Great at the beginning, shitty before you know it. Continue reading

Ugly Guys Have Nothing To Lose

Ever notice that in a sea of hot guys at a club, bar, or party, you will undoubtedly get approached and hit on by a guy who resembles Uncle Fester? This phenomenon has baffled me for years, now.

Today, as if answering my life-long question, my boss looked at me and said, “Well, of course, they approach. They have nothing to lose.”

And it’s true. Ugly guys legitimately have nothing to lose. Why not ask you for your number? It’s not like he has a chance of having any girls approach him or smile at him or even use him to get her a drink.

If he’s not daring, he’s single for life. And, honestly, this strategy must work from time to time. Just look at how many times a day you look at a couple and think, how the hell did he get her?! I’ll tell you how he got her. He walked to her and said “Hello.”

(Read the blog below to see the elaboration of this scenario…)