Instagram Scheme of Things

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rsz_woodyInstagram. The new Facebook — which was the new MySpace, which was the new Aim, which was the new LIVE talking. It’s all the rage these days. It’s the way we show affection to those we love, throw jealousy at those we hate, and tell the world just how deeply inspirational, artsy, and deep we are. Not to mention cool. Yes, it proves just how much James fucking Dean we exhibit on a daily basis.

And without Instagram, think of how unfulfilling our lives would be. Every beautiful sight would just be a view to remember. Continue reading

This Really Fal’ Into His Lap

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r620-893d31f8fe90888840c41f9046aae3f1So Jimmy Fallon finally did it. After years of patiently waiting, he was able to fit Jay Leno’s gigantic chin through the door as he kicked him out of the Tonight Show. Don’t get me wrong, I truly love Jimmy Fallon. I was just a little shocked that he was able to secure this spot. Not because he’s not hilarious and entertaining but because, well, it’s Jay freaking Leno.

The truth is though, every era has to come to an end at some point. We all tearfully said Goodbye to Friends and Boy Meets World, didn’t we? Except, with Jay Leno, it’s more like saying Goodbye to Seinfeld. We loved those lunatics — even though they weren’t very nice. They were like our mean cousins that we all secretly agreed with when they made inappropriate comments at the dinner table during holiday get-togethers. Yeah, Jay Leno is like the cast of Seinfeld and all our badass cousins. Jimmy Fallon? He’s more like our adorable yet awesome kid brother. Even if he is Continue reading

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sweetie, Here’s a Salad

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My boyfriend, Mark, told me about an article that asks what is and is not acceptable as a Valentine’s Day gift. Apparently a bunch of women were interviewed and 10/10 of them agreed that dinner could and should be counted as the gift itself.
I just have one question: Were these women interviewed from the confines of their rooms or in the common room at the Mental Institution they’re staying at? Continue reading

Go from Rejectional to Exceptional (Part 2)

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This is a continuation of my previous post, Go from Rejectional to Exceptional (Part 1), which explains how I am doing my best-friend-duty to find Jason a girlfriend by writing to girls on PlentyofFish.com. Here we go again:

In the second paragraph I ask questions about her life (LIFE not DAY). This is a very common mistake guys make. Listen, buddy, I don’t care how hot you are. No girl wants to discuss her mood or her day in the first message with a complete stranger. That’s something way more intimate than guys can comprehend, and isn’t likely going to be shared immediately. Whenever I’d get a message like “How’s your day going, beautiful?” I’d usually delete it. It shows that a guy simply looked at your picture and not your profile and most likely is trying to sleep with you. Continue reading

Go from Rejectional to Exceptional (Part 1)

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So lately I have been on a covert mission to get my best friend, Jason, a girlfriend. After years of hearing him complain about PlentyofFish.com, the site where I met my boyfriend, I finally decided to give him some help.

After getting his username and password, I began searching for girls who I think would be a good fit for Jason (cute, family-oriented, well-rounded, good job, short). Once I find a suitable prospect, I send him a screen shot of her picture. (He couldn’t care less about her profile). If he gives me the ‘okay’, I send the girl a message. Continue reading

Drowning On A Bad First Date

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This is a post about a bad date worthy of a movie, the kind I was accustomed to having way back when…

Last week, my friend Alan went on a first date with Jill, a girl he met online. Unlike traditional means, they decided to watch a movie at her apartment. While he was on his way to her, she called him.

“Do you think you can fix my toilet?” she asked, randomly. “It’s not really working the right way.”

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Embarrassing Myself On Movie Dates

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7-Movie-Date-Tips-that-Will-Keep-Him-Watching-you-Wear-good-parfume

I hate when I laugh out loud in a movie when everyone else is silent.

About a week ago, my boyfriend, Mark, and I went to see the movie “This is 40″. Paul Rudd, the star, plays the owner of a music studio. He talks about how much he loves Simon & Garfunkel. When he and his wife get into a fight, he calls the awkward silence “The Sounds of Silence”, Simon & Garfunkel’s most famous song.

Naturally, I laughed hysterically. There was only one problem — I was the only one Continue reading

I Am A Snack-Sneaking Ninja

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Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I will spend my money on just about anything. I will not, however, give my local movie theater one more dime! Back in the day, when I was 15, movies cost $6! Now it’s $15 just to walk in the door! (Wow, I’m old.) God forbid if you want to see something in 3D!

This is why I bring my own snacks, ghetto-style, to the movies. I sneak in candy, drinks, and other treats.  I used to bring water bottles or M&Ms, but now I’m daring with cans of soda and bags of Butterfingers minis.

When I proudly told my cousin about my deviousness, she said, “Candy and soda? You’re an amateur! I pop my own popcorn and bring it in a ziplock baggie!” Continue reading

He Had The Key To Her Heart, But Not Her Jail Cell

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Last month, my friend Jill spent the night with the guy she was seeing, Kyle. There was only problem: His parents were extremely strict and she wasn’t actually allowed to be there.

They were planning on beating the system by waking up at 7AM, before his parents woke up. Naturally, they overslept.

At 9:30AM, Jill called our friend Marissa.

“Mariss, you have to come get me,” she frantically whispered. I’m hiding out in Kyle’s basement until his parents go out to breakfast.” Continue reading

Is That Your Thong Wrapped Around My Chihuahua’s Head?

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BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA (2008)<br /><br /><br />
PIPER PERABO (left), CHLOE (right)My friend Marissa (the fake belly dancer) told me a hilarious story that reminded me of one of my favorite episodes of Frasier.

One morning, after spending the night with her boyfriend, she started getting dressed to go home. Unfortunately, she was missing something: her thong. She looked all over his room, and then eventually gave up and left the house commando.

Later that day, her boyfriend called her hysterically laughing. Continue reading

When There’s Nothing But A Guitar Between You & Your Girlfriend’s Parents

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photoMy friend Jack recently took up the guitar. One morning, he woke up at his girlfriend Lucy’s house and decided to sneak into the living room in his underwear to practice.
 
As he sat there playing a Greenday song, he heard the jingling of a lock. In walked Lucy’s parents, holding cleaning supplies and breakfast (their weekly tradition which he had completely forgotten about).
 
Shit, Jack thought. What am I gonna do now??

Fel-Lay-She-Oh-No!

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The following is a guest post from a JenAndMen reader (who I’ll call Frank). Frank emailed me at JenAndMen@hotmail.com to tell me about a time he was caught by an uncle of his girlfriend-at-the-time, while she was…well, while she was doing something that no one would ever want their uncle to see…

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Giving New Meaning To “A Balcony View”

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Two of my good friends, Lucy and Jack, went on vacation to Aruba a few years ago. They had a beautiful room, but were a little annoyed that it wasn’t beachfront but, rather, on the third floor. Rather than let it ruin their trip, they decided to see the light in the situation — privacy.

One afternoon after going for a swim they decided to “consummate their love”. Anyway, after about a half hour, Jack saw something in the corner of his eye, which made both of them turn toward the window. Horrified, they came to a realization: Close the curtains even if your room isn’t on the ground level. Continue reading

Is It Weird To Sit Next To My Boyfriend At Restaurants?

As you already know, my boyfriend, Mark, and I are constantly disgusting those around us by canoodling, kissing, and gazing into each other’s eyes. I was hoping it would get better but I actually think it somehow got worse.

A few nights ago I met Mark in Manhattan for dinner at Tony Dinapoli’s. We sat across from each other and held hands under the table and played footsie over the table. Not too bad, right? Okay there may have been minor gazing. A few air kisses. And one real kiss when I got up because I couldn’t resist any longer. Alright we’re disgusting. I’ll pay the dry cleaning bill for the shirt you just vomited on.

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Who Needs A Therapist When You Have Awesome Friends

Having a therapist is awesome. It’s someone that you literally pay to listen to you bitch and moan. But I think there’s something even better than therapy – and that’s having dessert with your girlfriends. When you get to be a certain age, and have a job, and a boyfriend, (and a blog), things tend to get a little busy. Every once in a while, though, you have get off your lazy ass and hang out with your friends, to blow off steam and bash the guys you’re dating.

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