Is That Your Thong Wrapped Around My Chihuahua’s Head?

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BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA (2008)<br /><br /><br />
PIPER PERABO (left), CHLOE (right)My friend Marissa (the fake belly dancer) told me a hilarious story that reminded me of one of my favorite episodes of Frasier.

One morning, after spending the night with her boyfriend, she started getting dressed to go home. Unfortunately, she was missing something: her thong. She looked all over his room, and then eventually gave up and left the house commando.

Later that day, her boyfriend called her hysterically laughing. Continue reading

When There’s Nothing But A Guitar Between You & Your Girlfriend’s Parents

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photoMy friend Jack recently took up the guitar. One morning, he woke up at his girlfriend Lucy’s house and decided to sneak into the living room in his underwear to practice.
 
As he sat there playing a Greenday song, he heard the jingling of a lock. In walked Lucy’s parents, holding cleaning supplies and breakfast (their weekly tradition which he had completely forgotten about).
 
Shit, Jack thought. What am I gonna do now??

Giving New Meaning To “A Balcony View”

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cheating2

Two of my good friends, Lucy and Jack, went on vacation to Aruba a few years ago. They had a beautiful room, but were a little annoyed that it wasn’t beachfront but, rather, on the third floor. Rather than let it ruin their trip, they decided to see the light in the situation — privacy.

One afternoon after going for a swim they decided to “consummate their love”. Anyway, after about a half hour, Jack saw something in the corner of his eye, which made both of them turn toward the window. Horrified, they came to a realization: Close the curtains even if your room isn’t on the ground level. Continue reading

When Skinny-Dipping Goes Wrong

Before I begin this post, no, that is not a picture of me, haha. A few years ago, I went on a trip to Aruba with a few of my girlfriends. While we were there, we paid a local boat-owner to take her out deep Ito the ocean and snorkel for an hour.

When the small boat pulled away, a really crazy idea entered my mind: I should totally go skinny-dipping. I had never done it before, and figured, hey, no one’s around, why not?

“Christine! Dunk your head under the water. Can you see my body from over there?”

“Nope,” she said.

So I untied my bikini and held it in my hand…and it was GREAT. I was so free! I swam around like the damn Little Mermaid (my idol) in my glory.

This went on for about four minutes. Then I heard someone strange. I turned around to see what it was, and dropped my jaw in horror. Continue reading

God Punished Me For Scheduling Two Dates In One Day

I believe that a smile is one of the most important features on a person.  It is definitely one of the very first things I look at on a guy, after his eyes.  If you have kind eyes and a genuine smile, I don’t care what color your irises are or how perfect your teeth look – all I care about is how you look at me and the cute way your face crinkles up when you grin or laugh.

For myself, on the other hand, I have a very different opinion.  I whiten my teeth constantly.  I am all about my smile.  I always like to think of a line from a song that my mom and I love to sing in the car called Lion Eyes by The Eagles.  The lead singer says “City girls just seem to find out early…how to open doors with just a smile.”  And, hey, if that smile isn’t in tip-top shape, you could expect those same doors to slam in your face, my friend.

I begged my dentist for years to professionally whiten my teeth, and he always told me the same thing, “You’re not old enough, Jennifer.  Come work for me one day and then we’ll talk.”

And I did.  When I was 15 years old, I worked as a dental hygienist for 8 months.  I cannot even begin to tell you the grotesque things I saw. The amount of yellow, rotting, and disgusting teeth I witnessed and had to be in close contact with literally sickened me.  It also made me paranoid.

Oh my God, I never want my teeth to look like that, I’d think, as I peered into these frightening mouths with a suction vacuum and a mask on.  My obsession with constant teeth brushing and evaluating and scrutinizing just threw me into even more of a teeth-hating whirlwind.

Continue reading