When you break up with your boyfriend (or girlfriend), there are several bases that need to be covered. When one of my best friends broke up with her long-term boyfriend, I took her to our local grocery store and picked up the following items:
1. Ben & Jerry’s Rocky Road Ice Cream: The flavor can vary, but there must be some sort of chocolatey goodness and/or cookie dough chunks involved. If there is no visible deliciousness that you can pick up and eat, then move on to a different ice cream. Also, don’t think, Hey, I’m one person. Let me go for the pint. No, my friend, no. The only pint you should be reaching for is a pint of beer that night. But that’s coming later.
2. A box of Puff’s Plus with Aloe: Dude, you’ve been crying all day and snotting it up everywhere and you’re not going for the ones with the aloe? Yeah, I also see that it’s $1.50 more but I’m pretty sure your nose will thank you down the depressing, depressing line.
3. A bottle of Excedrin: All that screaming and crying is definitely going to stir up a killer headache that isn’t going to go away without some serious painkillers — and since vicodin is off the table, Excedrin it is.
4. Chocolate — Lots and Lot of Chocolate: I once ate 8 (cough, or 9, cough) Nestle Crunch Bars with caramel after my very first breakup. It’s a known fact that chocolate contains over 500 natural chemical compounds, “some of which have been categorized as mood-elevating and pleasure-inducing.” In addition to Theobromine and Caffeine, a chemical compound called Phenylethylamine (PEA) “may be responsible for some of the pleasurable feelings you get after eating chocolate because it releases natural feel-good chemicals called endorphins in your brain.” So, yeah, eat a shit-ton of chocolate. Also, see If Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend, Then Chocolate Is Her Soulmate for more chocolatey reading.
5. Potato chips: Just like the ice cream and chocolate, let’s not get cheap with the potato chips. A small bag will not suffice. You need to be able to indulge in greasy goodness for a very, very long time.
After you cry until you feel like you’ve dried out your tear ducts and you’ve re-lived every heart-wrenching moment of the breakup and all events leading up to it (and I mean all), that’s when you go out with your best friends and get plastered off your face. I don’t recommend going home with anyone but I do recommend some ferocious making out that you won’t remember the next day.
Did I miss anything? Any others tips?