Girls Who Go After Guys Who Are Taken: Tisk Tisk

I have already admitted that I love guys that I can’t have in Wanting What You Can’t Have: I Love Guys In Relationships. I will now discuss the girls who also feel this way but listen to that devil on their shoulder. We call those girls whores. Sorry. We call them…home-wreckers? Yes, home-wreckers sounds nicer.

A JenAndMen reader named Kimberly wrote me the following comment today:

What pisses me off is when girls are ALLLL over a guy who they KNOW is dating someone else. My favorite? Co-workers. My bf has a co-worker who just would NOT hop off! She would always bbm him late at night sobbing about her love life and how so and so broke up with her. He would not feed into it and blew her off and she did NOT Continue reading

Wanting What You Can’t Have: I Love Guys In Relationships

I’m pretty sure that I’m a little twisted in the head, but there’s something about finding out that a guy is married or in a relationship that makes me like him. I guess it’s the classic tale of wanting what you can’t have. If I see a potential guy, I think, Hmm, he’s cute. If I see a wedding ring on his finger or find out he’s in a serious relationship I think, I must have him.

I’m going to make a food analogy here (for all of you who know me personally, I know you’re real shocked by this). Unless the food is the greatest tasting thing on earth, or the most grotesque, I am easily swayed in my opinion of it. I shall explain…

When I go out to a restaurant and order something new (a rarity), my mom knows to never tell me what she thinks of it before I taste it. I have no idea why, but the second someone says, “Ew, this is gross,” I physically cannot form an opinion of my own. I go into it thinking it tastes really bad, and can’t shake the thought, even if it doesn’t. I hate that about myself, but it’s one of those weird quirks that I can’t seem to grow out of. Anyway, I kind of feel the same way about guys.

Continue reading

European, Metrosexual, or Gay?

I’m not sure why, but almost every single European my cousin Victoria and I came across during our Italian vacation appeared, at first glance, to be gay. I’m thinking it had to do with the tightness of their pants, but that wasn’t all. There’s something extremely attractive about a gay man who knows he looks good. Even more than a straight guy, or even straight metrosexual, a hot gay guy walks with a certain swagger that says, “I’m hot to both genders and I know it.”

While on line at customs, Victoria and I played the “Is he European or American?” game. The two nationalities were fairly easy to distinguish between.

The well-dressed, fo-hawked, super skinny hotties were the Europeans, and the baseball hat sporting, t-shirt, baggy shorts, flip-flop-wearing guys were the Americans. Not necessarily less good looking, just way different.

We were stalking everyone out, listening to hear what languages they spoke to see if we were correct, when we found out that we were wrong about one. Nine out of ten correct, and this guy stumped us. We looked at his tight clothes, his pointed leather shoes, his Louis Vuitton luggage. How could he not be European? Continue reading

Is He Laid Back or A Lazy Hack?

There seems to be such a thin line between a guy who is incredibly laid back, and a plain old lazy ass. Laid back guys are the ones who say things like “Duuuude” & “Yeah, man.” I always picture a California-esque “dude” with flip-flops and flippy hair. These are the guys who rolls with the punches. They don’t cause waves, they surf waves.

You’re most likely gonna get zero grief from them, because, hey, they’re laid back. Who wants a fight? Why not just say “Whatever will be, will be” and leave it at that? Laid back guys don’t need a high-power job, because they are anti-stress. They don’t need an expensive, designer wardrobe, because what are clothes in the long-run, besides things that just get in the way of a totally breezy life? They might not even need to live in their own apartment.

Hey, wait a second? I think I just proved the title right. Those last 3 totally sounded more like “lazy hack” than laid back, did they not? Herein lies the problem. Continue reading

I Want Someone to be Excited to Talk to *Me* for a Change

My friend John is constantly dishing to me about what happens on his dating escapades. I get the full story: From the first OKCupid message to the texts, to the dates, to the lack-of-texts after the dates. I’m literally shocked at how many girls act like guys and ignore his efforts at conversation. Finally, during one particular conversation of the two of us bitching about our love lives, John said something that I guess I’ve been subconsciously thinking for a long time.

He was telling me about this girl that would answer his text messages back sporadically; therefore, he would only text her during certain parts of the day, etc, etc. We were cultivating a plan that would force her to answer him, while having him wait to answer her so as not to appear too excited to talk to her when he stopped and said, “Not to sound like a loser, but is it so wrong that I want someone to be excited to talk to me for a change?

I paused and thought about what he had said. “No, that doesn’t make you a loser at all. That makes you human.”

Continue reading

I Went On Plenty of Fish And Caught A Worm

As I’ve said before, I’m the type of girl who’s pretty much incapable of dating more than one guy at a time. If I like you, you’re it for me — Until I dislike you.

That being said, I had been dating a guy for a couple of weeks, and decided that I wanted to spend my time with him and him, alone. I text messaged the two or three people I was hanging out with here and there, and told them that I had met someone and wanted to see where it was going to go.

One guy, Dave, was really understanding about it.

“That’s cool. I’m sort of seeing someone myself,” he responded.

Continue reading

Taking Unwarranted Credit For Being A Vegetarian!

Most vegetarians feel very strongly about their lifestyle choice.  There are so many documentaries, films, and articles written on the subject.  Poor, defenseless animals being slaughtered for our own gluttony.  Meat going bad for lack of sale, while other countries have people starving.  Animals being cloned for mass-production, producing frightening specimens that are simply unnatural.  For decades, advocates of vegetarianism have fought to spread the word of their healthy, kill-free lifestyle. I commend these people.

On the other hand, I hate people who claim to be vegetarians because they are against the killing of animals when, in reality, they just don’t like meat.  I don’t like the taste of lamb, but you don’t hear me saying it’s because of Mary’s little friend.

I used to be friends with a girl, Hollie, who was grossed out by meat.  Yes, grossed out.  That just made me grossed out by her.  Whereas I begin salivating at the very thought of a juicy, flavorful, medium-rare steak, a big, thick cheeseburger, or a scrumptious roast beef or pot-roast, this girl was nauseated by it all.  It didn’t help matters much that she went away to college.  College cafeterias are usually known for their mystery meats.

One day, Hollie decided that she Continue reading

My Blog Is Now Because I’m Giving Up Dating & Focusing On Making Enough Money To Have NASA Build Me A Robotic Boyfriend

I have made a decision, world: After dating 475,000 assholes this year, I’m not dating for the rest of the year. I may even continue that streak into January. I’ll start again in February, because I obviously need chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Let’s not be impractical, now.

I’m exhausted from dressing up and keeping up conversations and pretending to care about sports. And never mind the emotional, mental and physical exhaustion. Let’s consider all the time and energy I spend putting on makeup and shaving my damn legs. I swear to God, dating is like a full-time job for me…except I’m spending money and not making it. Do you know how much it costs to buy adorable outfits and heels, get manicures/pedicures, and get my hair blown out?

Continue reading

Don’t Shoot The Match-Maker!

A few years ago, one of my girlfriends had a crush on one of my guy friends. I grabbed my bow-and-heart-shaped-arrows and thought “YES! This is absolutely perfect!”

Yes, I stupidly played match-maker and set them up on a double date with me and my boyfriend-at-the-time.

The date was a success and they ended up starting a relationship. Everything was going great. She would gush about him every day to me, and he would tell me how awesome she was.

Then one day, things started going downhill. She would complain to me about little things he had done, and he, in turn, would get my ear and tell me that she was being kind of difficult. They would also both little jokes about how if I didn’t introduce them they wouldn’t be as stressed out. I’d laugh, but think about what my mother always says: A lot of truth is said in jest.

As the months went on, and I saw that playing Cupid was bad enough, but playing therapist was worse, they eventually Continue reading

Gifts That Make Me Want To Shank You, Not Say “Thank You”

This has happened to all of us.  It’s Christmas (or any other holiday you celebrate) or our birthday or anniversary, and you see it: The box. The box that is pre-wrapped by a salesperson – and judging by the size – is most likely jewelry.  You look at your boyfriend with your eyes wide with anticipation, and rip open that little sucker like your 6-years-old tearing away at what you know is that awesome talking and peeing doll that you’ve been asking your parents for for weeks.

You lift open the top of the box, preparing to scream, “Oh my God!” and then…there it is.  Less “Oh my God” and more “Myyy God :(”. In a style that perhaps your Great-Aunt Beatrice would wear, there lies your earrings, necklace, bracelet, ring.  Tears start to form in your eyes and you don’t really know what to do. Thoughts race through your head like wildfire.

Don’t cry, he’ll feel terrible, and it’s Christmas. Wait, he just made me feel terrible, and it’s freaking Christmas. No, no, he didn’t mean to. Although, I did tell him exactly what I wanted…so what is this crap?! Do not fight on Christmas. I want to stab him in the jugular. Continue reading

Make Love, Not Gas

I am so tired of guys thinking it’s okay to speak and act disgustingly in front of girls – especially girls they’ve just started seeing. I’m bringing this up because I recently heard on z100 that Chris Humphries was the worst flirt on earth and used to think it was flirtatious to “fart and hold his girlfriend’s head under the covers.” Ugh!

In what world is it okay to burp, pass gas, or speak about certain things in front of a lady? A few months ago, a guy I was dating left the room for a few minutes.  I assumed he was outside smoking a cigarette.

When he came back and grabbed his cigarette box, I said, “Babe where were you?” And, as If it was normal, he looked at me and said, “I was taking a shit.”

Really, dude? You thought that was better than I was in the bathroom?! Baffling.

That same guy would spit in front of me constantly. Actually, maybe I should be clearer. He would “hock a loogie” and spit up whatever phlegmy disgustingness came up into his mouth. And then he’d want to kiss me. I don’t know what was worse – hearing/watching this horrifying event or being expected to kiss him after it occurred! Continue reading

The Time I Gave My Boyfriend A Black Eye


I’m going to take a moment to discuss something that has been irking me for years now. I know I’m totally going to get a lot of shit for this…but I’m sayin’ it, anyway: Why, oh, why are people into scary movies?! I recently went on a date with Chris and jumped/screamed when a sea-creature jumped out at me in Happy Feet 2: 3-D! He thought my fright was the funniest thing ever. I would just like to know what they are doing to these children’s movies?! Okay, so I was the only one who got scared. But still!

I tell every boyfriend I ever meet: “I HATE scary movies!” And, right on cue, they say in the most macho voice they can muster up, “I’ll protect you.” Usually an arm is thrown around me for good measure.  What I don’t think these guys get is that when I say “I hate being scared,” I don’t mean, “Oh, please hold me tight and make this into a romantic moment.” NO, I mean…I will embarrass you in front of a theater full of people by screaming like a woman with Turrets and crying like a small child. And, if that’s all that happens – that’ll actually be pretty tame.

When I was in high school, I Continue reading

Dating Someone Who’s Against Marriage And Kids: Yes or No?

I recently wrote a post about Kourtney Kardashian and her unwillingness to marry the father of her child (and future child), Scott Disick.  I asked readers for their thoughts about living with someone and/or having children with him/her, but not getting married. One reader, Heather, wrote the following comment about an unfortunate situation she has been dealing with:

Heather: I’ve been involved with someone for about 2 years who doesn’t believe in marriage or having kids. I seem to question what I’m doing often since the “whole package” was all I ever dreamed of.  I got involved with him because he made me feel an unbelievable way that no one else ever had before. But I had hoped that by this point my happiness and views would be important to him too and maybe he would meet me halfway. Boy was I wrong! Even though I go above and beyond for him/us and was even willing to compromise my views for him, he won’t budge for me. I guess it really depends on the two people, their views and the situation.

Like a million other people, I have been in this situation, myself. I once dated a guy who told me that he Continue reading

Is It Still Putting The Cart In Front of the Horse If You Don’t Intend On A Horse At All?

I’ve always been fairly traditional when it comes to relationships: You see each other, then you see each other exclusively as boyfriend and girlfriend, then you eventually become engaged, then you walk down the aisle and get married, and then you start popping out mini-me’s. I don’t hate on people who don’t do things in that exact order (heavy on the last two), but I, myself, would like my life to pan out that way.

All I keep hearing about is how Kourtney Kardashian refuses to marry Scott Disick. Personally, I don’t give a flying fudge what Kourtney Kardashian does, especially after the whole Kim Kardashian/Chris Humphries wedding debacle (another blog, another blog). But inquiring minds want to know: Why won’t she marry this guy who she is clearly in love with enough to live with and have not one but two children with?

Continue reading

Shushing Me And Other Things That Will Get You Killed

I was once on a date with a guy that I had been talking to for a few weeks. We went to my favorite Italian restaurant. Seated in the backhand corner at a small table, we were eating fried calamari when it happened…The incident.

I was mid-story (which involved reeneacting a scene in which my finger was pointed up at his face) when he reached out about halfway over the table (where my finger was), grabbed onto it, and pulled it down.

My jaw dropped faster than my finger.

“Did you just pull my finger down?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

“Yeah. People thought you were yelling at me. They look over and see your finger in my face like that.” Continue reading