Don Draper or Don Juan?

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So my latest obsession – Mad Men – has brought on this latest post. With each passing episode, I am learning that Don Draper (the show’s protagonist) is a huge, huge slut. I talk about 16 women in this post alone, and I’m not even up to Season 5 yet. I’m also learning that the women around him – women who are breaking stereotypes by entering into the workforce mind you – are also huge, huge sluts. Susan B. Anthony must be rolling in her grave watching these “ladies” behave! In additional to the constant fornication going on throughout each episode, it’s unbelievable to me that these professionals can drink hard liquor throughout the day, have several extra-marital affairs throughout the evening, and still make it home to kiss their wives good night.

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Oh, how Don loves his women. And when I say “love”, I use that term loosely. After all, Don doesn’t feel love. He believes it’s something he invented to sell nylons. I would use my many Psychology classes to classify him as a serial cheater, who was perhaps even scarred for life by his prostitute mother (who died in child birth) and mean-spirited cheater of a father. Who knows, maybe he even inherited a cheating gene, causing him to cross every woman he encounters. Actually, I take that back. I’m not excusing all his terrible behavior with a simple, “Poor Don, it’s probably not his fault.” I’m not giving this guy any wiggle room here. His many, many hoes give him enough of that already.

Spoiler Alert

Screen Shot 2015-03-02 at 12.26.38 PMDon begins the Mad Men series married to Betty, his beautiful, blonde ex-model wife and the mother of his beautiful, blonde young children. Betty clearly dotes on Don, and loves him, but is constantly being dismissed by him, partly because he finds her actions to be childish but mostly because he’s too busy meeting all his mistresses. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Screen Shot 2015-03-02 at 12.31.13 PMWe find out right off the bat that Don has a consistent mistress, Midge, who is not even half as pretty as his wife. Hell, I don’t even think she’s half as pretty as his housekeeper (who, by the way, might be one of the only females in his life that he hasn’t slept with). Midge is an artist who Don talks to about his problems, and even “jokingly” asks to marry him – although it’s hard to believe he’d refuse her if she had said Yes. How do you spell bigamy?

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Moving right along, Don seems bored by Midge and her weird 60s hippy ish, and moves on to Jewish department store owner, Rachel Menken. Rachel is everything Don has always wanted – she’s got the looks, the brains, the company account, and just the right balance of being addicted to Don and resisting his constant passes. In other words, she’s the perfect amount of chase and catch that Don loves. Until, of course, he doesn’t anymore and they abruptly stop seeing other after she rejects his idiotic plans to leave their lives (and his children) behind to start a new life. Right on cue, Rachel is heartbroken and demands that someone else take over her account. Boohoo.

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Once his Jewish goomad was out of the picture, Don moved on to Bobbie Barrett, Jimmy Barrett’s wife/manager. To me, this was the strangest relationship of all, because she was so much older than Don and he could get much hotter, younger girls. The two get into a car accident together and don’t quit seeing each other until Don’s wife, Betty, finally catches on to their affair and threatens to divorce him.

Screen Shot 2015-03-02 at 12.26.50 PMOh, and let’s not forget about Shelly, the flight attendant Don gives a fake name to and sleeps with while his pregnant wife (who has recently agreed to let him come home after learning about his infidelity) lays waiting for him. That fire didn’t last long though – no, really, there was a literal fire in the hotel, but it was put out.

Screen Shot 2015-03-02 at 12.26.31 PMOnce baby Gene (Gene, really?) is born, Don decides to move in on his little daughter’s second grade teacher, Suzanne Farrell. At first she resists, telling Don that all the dads hit on her and she thinks it’s horrible. She says that about ten seconds before she gives in and sleeps with him. This, in my opinion, was the worst affair of all. Why? Because not only is she HIS DAUGHTER’S LOVING TEACHER but she also lives TWO MINUTES away from his FAMILY. It got to the point where he started leaving his wife in bed to go sleep with her in her tiny apartment. The best part of this affair was when he brought Suzanne TO HIS HOUSE to take her on a romantic getaway while his family was away, only to find out that his wife had come home with the kids early! He tries to go back to the car to tell her that their plan is nixed, but he can’t because his wife drags him into another room to have a fight with him about a completely different matter. After waiting for over an hour in the car, this mistress knows her time is up when Don calls her the next day to say he “can’t do anything more at this time.” She’s heartbroken over this. Aw, we feel real bad for you, homewrecker.

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Here we have Joy, who lives up to her name by taking Don away from a work trip to essentially have sex with him for a week straight. Joy is an eighteen-year-old free spirited drifter who enjoys long walks on the beach, a good book to read, and having sex with perfect strangers while her father watches. Can we say EW?!

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Next up, Faye Miller,  a psychologist who freelances for Don’s firm. After denying his advances once or twice, Faye, like all the others, gives in and sleeps with Don. As a matter of fact, she’s down to go to his apartment on their very first date, and it’s Don (shockingly enough) who says they should wait because her door is “as far as [he] can go” at that moment. She got the biggest shock of all when she finds out that the guy who shared his deepest, darkest secrets with her (not to mention his deepest, darkest places) is ENGAGED to be married to his SECRETARY a week after sleeping with her. Can you say WTF?!

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And last but not last (Get it? Because he’ll cheat on her, too?) is Megan Calvet, Don’s secretary, f*ck buddy, and oh yeah, fiancé. (She is, of course, not the first secretary he’s slept with, having one of the last ones, Allison, throw a stapler at his head, break his glass picture frames, and run out of the office sobbing “You’re not a good person!”.) Anywho, he proposes to Megan – a tall, beautiful French-Canadian with weird teeth – while she babysits his children on a work trip to California, and tells her that he’s been in love with her for a long time (which is funny, because I’m pretty sure he’s never loved anyone or anything but the sound of his voice and the bottom of a whiskey bottle, but that’s neither here nor there). By the end of the fourth season, Don and Megan are engaged to be married, and everyone but Betty (Don’s now ex-wife) and Peggy (Don’s lacky) are happy for them.

Screen Shot 2015-03-02 at 10.58.52 AMI can say with full confidence that Don will cheat on and/or leave Megan, just like he did all the others. Cynic, psychic or smart? Perhaps all three…All in all, Don Draper is quite possibly the greatest womanizer since Casanova. How the man doesn’t have an STD by now is beyond me. His web of sex (which is missing more than a few names) is above. I left out some names in this post, simply because my fingers hurt from typing up all of his mistresses. (These ladies include Candace, the red-headed dominatrix prostitute, the Japanese waitress, the woman from the bar the night he won his Cleo, the waitress, Doris, who he woke up next to the next day, Anna’s niece Stephanie who he tried to sleep with but was rejected by, Bethany Van Nuys, Jane’s blonde friend, who gave him oral sex in the back of a cab after saying she wanted something real with him, etc, etc, etc).

Don’s infidelities aside, Mad Men is one of the greatest shows I have ever had the pleasure of binge-watching on Netflix. Enjoy your addiction everyone!