50 Shades of Needing Psychotherapy


I was elated to see the above e-card because it proves that there are others out there who feel the same way I do: 50 Shades of Grey is really 50 shades of effed up. If you haven’t read the books – aka housewife pornography – or seen the movie, you may be slightly lost. Then again, if you’ve watched any sort of dominant porn in your life, you can follow along just fine.

Christian Grey, 27-year-old billionaire (because millionaire would be too ordinary) takes a shining to poor, little Anastasia Steele. Not because she’s beautiful (she’s not), not because she’s special (she’s not), but because she is mousy, quiet, and introverted, with an unusual amount of sexual inexperience. She’s the type of girl that’s doe-eyed and eager to please, which are perfect submissive qualities in a dominant/submissive “relationship.”

Naturally this 21-year-old virgin who’s possibly never been kissed falls straight in love with this gorgeous, strapping, never-been-seen-with-a-female corporation owner. It probably doesn’t hurt that he’s buying her affection with a brand new 2015 Audi R8 and an invitation to live in his 5,100-square-foot custom-designed penthouse apartment.

Once Ana signs a contract – a contract – that basically legally allows Christian to beat the shit out of her and rape her on a daily basis, he will essentially own her. Well, well, that doesn’t sound very Christian-like at all, does it? Which brings me to the point of this post. Instead of focusing on how 50 Shades of Grey is hot and steamy and something to yearn for, shouldn’t we be thinking, Holy shit, am I really reading/seeing this?

(Spoiler alert)

After Ana quite literally falls into Christian’s office, he immediately likes her. Again, not because they have an instant connection, but because he likes that she’s weak. He then proceeds to FBI-style trace her cell phone and literally hunts her down at her job, where he buys the hardware-store-version of sex toys. (PS, she sees no problem with the fact that he has obviously tracked her down.) On Ana’s first “date” with Christian a few days later, he takes her out to coffee and then proceeds to tell her that she has to stay away from him, confusing and upsetting her. He then decides that he’s just kidding, and takes her in a helicopter ride to his apartment, where he takes her virginity and presents her with the aforementioned contract. He then has a brand new Apple laptop sent over to her apartment – without asking – which he IMs her on daily, reminding her that he’s impatiently waiting on her decision to “date” him – aka sign her life over to him.

Fast forward a few weeks into their relationship, and you’ll find Christian breaking into Ana’s apartment (but he has wine, so it’s okay?) and throwing her down to have sex with her while she’s tied to her bed. Are we really letting this shit go, people? Are we really agreeing that this is normal behavior? “Oh, you broke my lock, but you look so sexy in that t-shirt, please tie me to my twin-sized bed and have your way with me.” He, of course, doesn’t stay, because the great and powerful Christian Grey does not sleep next to anyone. Bad snoring, maybe? Night gas? We may never know.

After this, Christian shows up in Georgia while Ana visits her mother. (Oh, and he made it crystal clear that he didn’t want her going by squeezing her leg – hard – under the table when she announces her trip plans and forcing her to leave his family’s dinner to essentially yell at her and try and force her to cancel her trip.) Did she find it creepy that he randomly texted her to stop drinking so much – proving he was standing creepily behind her 8 states away from his home – and then took the drink right out of her hand and said “I’ll allow this this one time”? Nope. Why would she? It’s totally normal for your borderline-abusive and all-around possessive boyfriend to plane-it cross-country while you’re visiting your mother who you never get to see. Instead of asking him why the hell he was there or telling him to leave her alone, Ana proceeds to abandon her mother and go on a dangerous plane ride with Christian, before he mysteriously has to leave abruptly. (Otherwise she’d probably spend even more time with him, away from her poor mom, who she was visiting.)

Then, of course, we get into the craziest aspect of all – the dominant/submissive sex. “What the hell is flogging?,” you might ask if you haven’t read or watched 50 Shades. Trust me, you don’t wanna know. It’s just one of the many points in Ana’s contract, which originally had “anal and vaginal fisting” and “whipping” in it. Was it uncomfortable for me to watch a young woman get whipped by this powerful man, while crying and being forced to count the number of hits ? Yes. Very. Enough for me to put down my popcorn. Which is big if you know me.

What’s the worst part of this psychologically abusive storyline? The teenage girls who are sneaking around behind their parents’ backs, drinking in these books and movie the way Christian drinks in Ana’s pathetic stare right before he – for lack of a better word – attacks her. Even if we could put aside the constant sex, is this overbearing and psychologically-abusive relationship the type of situation we want impressionable young girls to learn from? “Hey girls, as long as the guy is uber rich, it’s totally okay to lose yourself in him, become quiet and mousy, abandon your friends and family, and allow him to hurt you – both physically and emotionally – over and over again.”

Anywho, these are my thoughts about 50 Shades of Grey. Love ‘em or leave ‘em.