Congratulations – Now Get Off the Stage!

benLet’s talk about Oscar speeches, shall we? It seems like every winner I see get up there grows a damn beard while making his/her speech! I don’t know about you, but about 10 seconds and 10 “I wouldn’t be here without [insert unknown name]” proclamations, I pretty much pray for the Oscar gods to start playing their legendary “Get your ass off the stage” music. Yet…sometimes…they…don’t.

I just can’t understand how someone can literally believe that anyone besides their own mother would actually care enough about them to listen to them thank every person they’ve ever come across since birth. Let’s list all the winners I don’t care to listen to:

1. First-Time Actors: I’m sorry, actor I’ve only seen in one movie (or never at all), I know you about as well as I know the gas station attendant in my cousin’s town. Enough to possibly remember your name, but definitely not enough to devote any time to hearing about your mom, dad, brother, sister, babysitter from grades 2-8, and Great-Aunt Muriel, all of whom helped you to get you where you are today — holding a scary looking gold-plated statue that you will polish every day of the rest of your most-likely unsuccessful life.

2. Ugly Actors: If I refuse to hear Bradley Cooper or Olivia Wilde get up and make a twenty-eight minute speech, why would I listen to you? At least they’re stunning to look at so I can plan my wedding or lesbian encounter with leisure. I’m not staring at your ugly ass mug for three and a half minutes. Just pretend this is a smorgasbord at Sbarro’s and move right along.

3. Non-Actors: If you’re not even an actor, you have even less of a right to annoy me with your nonsense. Are you actually thanking people for directing the lighting of a movie? Get outta there! All directors, producers, lighting, sound, music, costumes, makeup and crew should have their own Award show called The Felixes. (Get it, Oscar and Felix from The Odd Couple? Oh, screw you, that was hilarious.)

4. Speaking of bad jokes, the Pseudo Comedians: I’m sorry, actor or non-actor who has never once been referred to as funny. You may be hot, you may be filthy rich, hell you may even be filthy (ahem Matthew McConaughey), but you are not a comedian. (And just because people are laughing, doesn’t mean they think you are; it just means they want to be invited to the after-party and know you score all the good coke.)

5. The Cryers: Listen, lady (sorry to be sexist but it is usually the females who take the cake here), I don’t care that this is the single greatest moment of your entire life. I don’t care that you cannot believe that you’ve won. And I don’t care that you absolutely look up to and admire every woman you just beat out. (And while we’re on the subject: Those women don’t care, either. Their fake smiles are only painted on because they know that the camera is on them while you are saying it. In their minds, they are stabbing you to death for winning the award they so obviously deserved over you.) What I do care about is that you take your blubbering mascara-dripped face off the stage so that I can see Idina Menzel sing Let It Go from Frozen. I know John Travolta messed up your name, but I got your back, girl.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this latest rant. And if you haven’t…I guess I shouldn’t have ignored the music in my head telling me to stop typing.