Justin Bieber Is A Baby, Baby, Baby, Ohhh…

According to Complex.com, and just about every single person on my Twitter feed, Justin Beiber was bitch slapped by some basketball player named Blake Griffin. I’m just going to take a moment to say that I think he can be Kim Kardashian’s ex, Chris Humphreys’ identical twin, but moving right along…

Apparently Bieber was trying to order a caramel apple machhiato (do these exist and can someone buy one for me this second) shirtless, and went nuts when the barista told him that he had to be clothed to order. Come on, dude, you’re going to go nuts over that? The guy has just about the least amount of power of any profession in the United States of America. You couldn’t just let him feel like he won?

Anyway, when Bieber started going crazy, yelling that he was going to have his BODYGUARD kick the barista’s ass (loser), 8 foot 9 inch Griffin walked over from a nearby table and slapped Bieber across the face. I have recently heard that this story wasn’t true. But I am going to write this post as if it were. Because that is LITERALLY the greatest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

When little Justine, oh sorry, Justin Bieber first came up, I said, “Aww, what a cute little girl. I like her voice, and her songs are catchy.” Then my younger cousin told me he was a boy, and that he was hot. I wept a little at how old I must be if I can’t even tell the sex of the up-and-coming new stars, let alone to hear that they’re “hot” when they just finished potty training, but alas I was onboard. I never partook in the Bieber Bashing because I simply didn’t care. I felt like a high school senior picking on a 6th grader (I’m 7 years older than the little pipsqueak).

But nowadays, it’s a different story. Gone are the photos of Bieber and his adorable little girlfriend, Selena Gomez. Gone are the cutesy songs like Baby, where I derived this hilarious title from. Instead I’m watching an overly rich idiot race lamborghinis drunk and high with hot models next to him. And I’m fed up. Blake Griffin, you may not have slapped the little dumbass this time, but do us all a favor and let this post come true for next time.