I Retired Jeter’s Jersey Long Before He Ever Will

So I can’t believe I am once again posting about sports — but it’s not my fault. I am being hit over the head with it from every angle — first the Superbowl, then the Olympics, then the whole Griffin/Bieber bonanza, and now Derek Jeter. (Don’t worry, though, I have a mean story to go along with it!)

In the spirit of giving the people what they want, here goes nothin': Derek Jeter is retiring after 19 years of playing professional baseball with the NY Yankees.

Jeter, who will be 40 when he retires, has had 3,316 hits (ninth most all-time), 256 home runs and 1,261 runs batted in. He’s been on 13 All-Star teams and won a Rookie of the Year award, as well as five Gold Gloves and five Silver Slugger honors. He also refused to nicely wave Hello to me 5 years ago. So screw him and his shiny yellow gloves.

Let’s talk about the retirement part first: Much like we announce most things nowadays, Jeter posted a huge Facebook status, announcing his 2014 retirement. He basically thanked his fans, and said that us New Yorkers pushed him to be the best he could be. Blah blah blah.  (In case you want to read what he wrote, I pasted it at the bottom of this article.)

And on to more important news: Derek Jeter completely snuffed me. There I was, in company box seats, in the third row, behind the Yankee dugout, when Jeter, my at-the-time crush of crushes, stood up to take a couple practice swings in the umm…the area where batters take practice swings. Then he stopped and just stood there. That’s when I took my shot. He wasn’t playing. He wasn’t concentrating. He wasn’t busy. He was just…there.

“JEEEETERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. No response. “JEEEETERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! JEEEETERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! JEEEETERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!” Nothing. Finally I teamed up with the girl behind me, who was also getting nowhere with him.

Together we screamed, “JEEEETERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

!!” And it worked! Yes, Derek freaking Jeter turned around and looked at us and waved! Now, let’s hold the cheers until I describe the look and caliber of wave. To tell you he was annoyed would be the biggest understatement a person could possibly make. This guy was downright disgusted. He half-ass waved back with such a puss on his face that I almost wish he had gone on ignoring us.

My friend turned to me and saw how heartbroken I was to ge

t shut down by my idol like this. “I wonder how famous you have to get to not even acknowledge or

be nice to the fans that put you where you are,” he said to me.

From that day forward I hexed Jeter’s career. (Didn’t really work but whatever – at least I made him go bald!)  How dare he treat me that way! After all the years of devotion! I don’t even like watching baseball! So good riddance, Jeter, I retired your jersey long before you ever will.

Jeter’s Goodbye: “And the thing is, I could not be more sure [about retirement]. I know it in my heart. The 2014 season will be my last year playing professional baseball. I want to soak in every moment of every day this year, so I can remember it for the rest of my life. I know they say that when you dream you eventually wake up. Well, for some reason, I’ve never had to wake up. Not just because of my time as a New York Yankee but also because I was living my dream every single day. From the time I was a kid, my dream was also very vivid and it’s never changed: I was going to be the shortstop for the N.Y. Yankees. It started as an empty canvas more than 20 years ago and now that I look at it, it’s almost complete. In a million years, I wouldn’t have believed how beautiful it would become.”