Drowning On A Bad First Date

toilet

This is a post about a bad date worthy of a movie, the kind I was accustomed to having way back when…

Last week, my friend Alan went on a first date with Jill, a girl he met online. Unlike traditional means, they decided to watch a movie at her apartment. While he was on his way to her, she called him.

“Do you think you can fix my toilet?” she asked, randomly. “It’s not really working the right way.”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Alan answered, having zero clue how to fix a toilet, short of calling his plumber.

Alan arrived at Jill’s apartment thirty minutes later, and was escorted into the bathroom a short while after that.

“Okay, I’ll take a look,” he said.

After closing the door and urinating in the toilet, he looked into the already uncovered tank.

Hmmm, maybe, I have to pull this to flush it? he thought, and yanked a small piece of plastic up.

It was the wrong answer, because the plastic piece was now sitting comfortably in his palm. Panicked, he threw it in the sink, washed his hands, and went into the living room to sit with Jill.

About a half hour later, Jill heard a strange sound coming from the bathroom, like running water. When she got there, she was horrified to see that the toilet had been overflowing ever since Alan had pulled his little stunt.

“What’s that in the sink?!” she yelled.

“Oh, I pulled that out,” Alan said, shamefully.

“And you didn’t think to tell me?!”

As Jill turned away from his blank expression to get some towels, Alan sprung into action…that he shouldn’t have sprung into. As if he came straight out the movie Along Came Polly, he began taking her expensive towels and soaking them with the oncoming rushing water.

When she realized this, Jill screamed even louder.

A few minutes later, the water had stopped flowing and Jill and Alan were standing in a flooded bathroom, surrounded by soaking expensive towels.

They sat on the couch in awkward silence while she waited for her super to arrive, until Alan couldn’t take it anymore and left her sitting angrily with her arms folded on her chest.

Aside from the story being absolutely hysterical and movie-worthy (it would have done Ben Stiller proud), I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Alan, why would you tell her you knew how to fix a toilet and, more importantly, why wouldn’t you say you pulled that piece off by accident??” I asked.

“I don’t know, I was embarrassed,” he said.

“And you were less embarrassed once her bathroom was completely flooded out?!”