South Africans Must Have Dutch Heritage

If you’re up to date with Part 1 and Part 2 of the South African saga, you’ll enjoy the final chapter.

We walked into the bar/restaurant and were seated in the back.

“Wow, that’s a really bright ‘EAT’ sign to stare at. I’ll put you at that side of the table,” he said. And he did. I must say, it was odd to have such bright, shining, white lights so close to the Devil, himself.

The waitress came over a few minutes later to take our order. My first words: I’ll have a glass of white wine. I wanted to order a bottle — for myself — but I miraculously held myself back.

“So what are you looking for, Jennifer?” he asked. “A boyfriend, I assume.”

Well, that made things awkward.

“Well, yes,” I said.

“You seem to be the type.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, defensively.

“Just a good girl. You scream virgin. For example, that braid you have going down the side of your neck. It’s so simple and it’s driving me a bit mad.”

I just stared at him in disbelief. I felt a little like Anastasia with Christian Grey. If Christian Grey was an asshole to her.

“Anyway, I’m not looking to begin a long-term relationship with you. I want to have sex with you.”

My jaw dropped. I couldn’t make this shit up.

“It’s true,”  he replied to my lack of response. I am the devil to your angel, and I really just want to take you home with me. But I’m no one’s boyfriend.”

This was the one guy that ever left me speechless, and not in a good way. He went on to tell me that he has so many women in his “stamp collection” (women in other countries he’s slept with) that he won’t even tell me the number. Mind you, that’s not even the number of women, that’s just the number of countries.

He went on to tell me that my Masters degree in Education was “soft” and mocked my favorite book, Catcher in the Rye.

Once I realized I’d rather die than go out with him again, I decided to tell him about JenAndMen.

“So you actually write about bad dates? Well, you should have said something earlier. I’ll give you some great material and make this the worst date you’ve ever been on.” In my mind I thought, No need; it already is.

He tried to get me to sit next to him for a few minutes, which I declined, then said we were going to “make out” later in the night, which I laughed at.

“I’m going to be honest with you,” I said, wine not cheering me up, you’re never going to have sex with me, and you’re never going to make out with me.”

He then began eating my dessert and, when I told him to go away, said, “We can share. I only have Hepitis A, B & C.” I vomited in my mouth a little and pushed the dish of chocolately goodness toward him without taking a single bite.

Think this date can’t possibly get any worse? Keep reading…

After asking the waitress to poison his food several times, she came and left the check on the table in front of him.

“Are you waiting for me to be a gentleman?” he asked.

“I’m expecting you to be a gentleman,” I replied.

“How interesting,” he said.

He put $30 on the table — half of the bill/tip — and looked at me, smirking.

I called his bluff and stared at him for a solid minute — scary looking directly into the blue eyes of the Devil — before saying, “Okay, stop messing around. I have work tomorrow and it’s getting late.”

“Who’s messing around? Only half the bill was paid. We can’t leave,” he said, smirking harder than ever.

Never in my life. Oh, wait, that’s a lie. This happened on my LAST date with a South African, too. But he at least played dumb. This one flat-out refused to pay for me.

I stood up, took $30 out of my purse, threw it on the table, said “You’re weird” and stormed out.

I almost made my exit without giving the money, but then I thought two things could have occurred: (1) He doesn’t pay this poor waitress or (2) He pays the bill, and kills me in the street.

I speed-walked through the dark streets, in a scary neighborhood that I was unfamiliar with, and desperately tried to remember where the train was. I finally found it with the help of a nice woman on a bicycle, and cried all the way there, and all the way home.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my life.

Have you ever had a guy tell you he only wanted to have sex with you, and that he was going to make your date the worst date of your life — and then carried out his statement?

5 thoughts on “South Africans Must Have Dutch Heritage

  1. He probably read “The Game” so he thought he could get you in bed by putting you down.

    Apparently, he is really bad at it :)

  2. He is truly an asshole. You should have left the moment he was an ass when you asked about his skydiving incident. I actually think you were too nice to him, haha.

    I agree with Paul. Some guys think they can get a girl to bed by being an asshole.

  3. WonderingWho: OMG I definitelyyyy should have. What a waste of time and energy that asshole was. I definitely was too nice to him. I think I was in shock.

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