“Jen, You’re On My ‘Shit-I-Can-Tolerate, But Wanna Smack A Little Bit’ List”

No, you did not misread the title of this post. A guy actuallyyyyyyy saiddddd thatttttt to meeeeeeee. Okay, deep breaths. In, out; in out.

Do you remember the post l’ll Go From Hot To Cold So Fast You Won’t Even Know What Hit You? Because he obviously did not.

Three weeks ago I began talking to a guy that I used to date. Now you know why I used to date him. Anyway, I was bored and sent him a cutesy text with 5 things I liked. (Greek salad, fuzzy socks, etc) and the fifth thing on the list was “When you entertain me.” I felt that it was less cheesy than saying “You” and sounded cute.

I got back a list of his 5 Likes, none of which had anything to do with me. When I jokingly inquired about this, I received THIS…

Ross: You’re not in that list. Your name is the “shit I can tolerate, but wanna smack a little bit” list.

The “smack” part I don’t care because that’s an inside joke of ours. But you are seeing the word “tolerate” right? I’m not hallucinating? Okay, just making sure…

Me: I am literally speechless.

Ross: :D

Me: Don’t you smile at me.

Ross: :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Me: ::middle finger::

Ross: I love middle fingers

Ross: Longest ones :)

Wtf does that even mean?! Is he making some sort of I’m-Coming-Out-Of-The-Closet comment to me? I clearly ignored him for hours…

Ross: Where are you Jennnnnnnnniferrrrrr?

Me: Plotting your death. Where are you?

Ross: Making funeral preparations.

Me: Good thing. Make it easier on ya mother.

Ross: What are you, like 4’9″?

Me: I’m 5’1 & a quarter doosh.

Ross: Doosh? I’m not familiar with that word, douche.

Did he actually just call me a douche? After saying what he said???

Me: I hate that spelling. I like mine better, I don’t know why everyone gives me a hard time about it.

Ross: What, the right spelling?

Ross: Because it’s incorrect.

Me: I don’t like “douche”.

Ross: Many ladies would disagree.

Is he seriously telling me how to spell that word? I know how to spell a damn word, I’m a WRITER. And, more importantly, is he actually trying to make a DIRTY JOKE RIGHT NOW?!

(Hours later; sends random picture that he drew. I ignore him.)

Ross (the next morning): Hello Jennifah.

Me: You know Ross I’d start talking to you again but unfortunately you’ve been moved to my “Shit I Can No Longer Tolerate” List.

Ross: Ah that’s a shame. Anything I can do?

The fool thinks I’m joking…Please don’t confuse wit for flirtatiousness. Thanks.

Me: No.

Ross: I think there is.

(Ignored him.)

Ross: Come on, don’t be a doosh, doosh.

(Hours later…)

Ross: AY

(Ignored him…Calls me hours later & I don’t pick up.)

Ross: Still pouting?

Me: I’m not pouting. I’m living.

Ross: Did that come off Tumblr in fron of some blurred image of a sunset?

Me: Yep

Ross: :)

This idiot actually thinks I would ever see or be nice to him ever again. Meanwhile, if I didn’t look so fucking terrible in orange I’d go after him with a baseball bat.

Have you ever had a guy/girl you likeD said something horrifying to you? What did you say back?

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