“Jen, Your Eyes Are Dark Like Shit So Maybe They Have Blood & Bile In Them”

No, that quote is not made up. Sadly, it was said to me while on a first (and clearly sole) date with someone.

I once went on a date with someone I met in a bar. I had only spoken to him for a couple minutes when he told me he had to run and asked for my number. We texted for the next week, and spoke on the phone for a little over an hour one night. Then he asked if I wanted to go to dinner that weekend.

First of all, I had one of those “Wait, I was a little drunk when I met you and remember you being slightly less geeky” moments right off the bat. Then the comment from the title was made.

I forget what I had said, but his response was, “You’re so full of shit that your eyes are turning brown.”

Disgusted, I said, “Well, my eyes are basically a blackish brown, so you can’t really say that to me.”

“I won’t say what just popped into my head,” he said.

“Say it,” I insisted. (Why I did, nobody knows.)

“Well, I was just thinking that your eyes probably have blood and bile in them.”

“What?!” I asked, horrified.

“You know, because when you shit and it’s black, it means you have blood or bile in your shit. So if your eyes are black, and they’re full of shit, they must have blood or bile in them.”

I blinked at him twice, fought the urge to vomit, and said, “Ummm, I don’t have a rebuttal for that, so I’m gonna check to see if our table’s ready.”

Yes, this is my life, ladies and gentlemen.

Have you ever had someone say something disgusting and repulsive to you on a date and you didn’t know how to respond?

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