Okay, so here’s where I am going to try and explain exactly why my birthday is more important than yours. I know it must seem crazy to hear at first, but it is in fact true, so bear with me. I am in no way saying that my significance on this earth is greater than any one of yours (well, maybe just…just kidding), but the day I celebrate my birthday each year, July 8th, is. And here’s why…
I count down to my birthday the way children count down to Christmas. On January 8th, I wish myself a Happy Half-Birthday, and proceed to tell everyone that I am 6 months away from my birthday. I then spend the next 6 months looking forward to the attention, gifts, dinners, and partying – all on my behalf. I know that’s hard for some of you to grasp, because I’m usually not the self-centered, attention-hog type For six years I worked as an Arts & Crafts and Theater teacher and used to make the children make me a crown and a sash in Arts & Crafts and sing Happy Birthday to me in Theater class. Since I am no longer teaching, my mom makes sure to buy me a little pink and rhinestone crown for the occasion.
A few days before my birthday a few years ago, I explained to my boyfriend-at-the-time, David, just why this day is the most special day of the year, along with why I should have nothing but happiness and helpfulness and good thoughts sent my way, not the fighting that was going on with my friends over which club we went to that weekend. I proceeded to justify my response by describing how other people we know (my family and friends) feel on their birthdays.
“Look, I’m not trying to sound self-centered or anything, and I know what you’re gonna say before you even say it…but really, I think we both know that no one cares about their birthday a fraction of what I care about mine; therefore, everyone should be required to be insanely nice to me during this week because it is my birth week and I shouldn’t have to deal with fighting about clubs with anyone or dealing with any bullshit because this is my day and it’s so important to me.
And if anyone says that I didn’t do anything for their birthday it’s because I can’t always remember other people’s birthdays because they don’t talk about them and people, naturally, remember my birthday because I talk about it for three weeks straight before it comes. So really, if anyone gives me any crap about what club we go to this weekend I am really going to flip out.”
David calmed me down from my hysterical rant and told me that everything was going to work out and I just needed to relax and stop letting everyone get to me (etc, etc, insert more comforting words here).
The next day, I just about fell off my chair laughing when David, being the eloquent and hilarious writer that he is, posted this on my Facebook wall:
Jennifer on her birthday (slightly exaggerated by her boyfriend):
I’m not saying this to sound conceited; however, inarguable studies have shown that my birthday falls upon a day of perfection – a day in which the planets align, the sun replenishes itself with energies from supernatural sources, universal harmony exists within the infrastructure of our galaxy, and the atmosphere nurtures a burst of new life – much like the first day of spring – only better.
The skies are bluer, the flowers more radiant, the song of each bird signals an ongoing array of pleasures previously unknown to those who had experienced life before the day that I was introduced into the world. The morning dew is sweet like candy. The evening mist embraces the soul. And I, Jennifer Alyssa, descended from the heavens – an earth-bound angel, chosen to lead the people in a continual pursuit of a branch of perfection, once only conceivable in a dream.
I replied: “This is all true – it’s not my fault…” to which he said, “I know it’s not…it’s science.”
He then posted a picture that he put together from a photo of me and some random graph!
I even found this official graph on Google showing how important this day actually is compared to the other 364…
I hope my words, along with David’s, and this useful chart, have clearly shown everyone just why my birthday is the most important day of the year.
Are you obsessed with your birthday? What do you do to celebrate?