What Your Online Dating Profile Photos Should *Not* Look Like, Guys

I am constantly shocked by the horrid photos I come across while fishing through my messages on online dating sites. And I’m not just talking about the standard kissy-faced, idiotic shots of ugly people. I’m talking about over-the-top, jaw-dropping photos that make you say, “Are you kidding?!” aloud and immediate email the photo to your friends.

1. Flexing Shirtless-In-The-Bathroom-Mirror 

Dude, you don’t look good. The sooner you accept this, the sooner we can all move on to your normal photos. First of all, I don’t know who told you that putting up a picture with a TOILET in the background was sexy…The fact that nine times out of ten it’s a PUBLIC toilet makes it that much worse. No one wants to see your scrawny arms squeezed to full-capacity. Anyone can look like they have muscles if they do that (even me). Hell, even if you have muscles, we don’t want to see them flexed like that in a public bathroom. I don’t care if you’re Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger, your arms are not so impressive that girls can let this fact go.

2. Holding A Twenty-Seven Gallon Bottle of Alcohol

Do you honestly believe that showing girls how hard you party is going to make us want you? When I see all your pictures with alcohol, especially with over-sized bottles, all I think is, (A) Alcoholic – Move on or (B) Loser trying to impress me with something ridiculous – Move on.

3. Surrounded By Girls In A Club

Similar to #2, showing me that you’re surrounded by girls in skimpy dresses in a club has the exact opposite effect that you want it to. I don’t think,¬†Wow, he’s so cool. And look at the hot girls he can get. Instead, I think, Womanizer or Loser or both. Move on.

4. Shirtless and Fat On A Beach

Similar to #1, please put your shirt back on. You’re fat. I’m not sure why haven’t realized it at this point. Maybe your friends and family have been lying to you and/or your mirror is distorted. Maybe you have the opposite of Body Dysmorphia; I’m not sure. All I know is, you’re hurting everyone (including yourself) by putting these shirtless beach photos up. Maybe if you were wearing a shirt, I wouldn’t see your rolls and, by the time I meet you I’d like you enough to not care about them.

5. Cutting Out The Girlfriend You’re Clearly Kissing

Really, dude? You honestly think this is an appropriate picture for an online dating profile. I can see the girl’s damn lips and nose, for God’s sake! I don’t even like seeing photos where you cut your girlfriend out at all. But cutting her out of a kissing picture? Have you no shame? Is this to show us that you’re a good kisser? Ugh, loser.

6. One Solo Shot & Ten Group Shots Where No One Can Pick You Out

Look, I get that you’re not very good looking. I understand it and I feel sorry for you. But to put one photo in which you’re 20 feet away from the camera and then 9 group shots is simply unacceptable. If you’re doing it because you’re self-conscious then you really need to get a grip, find your style, and gain some self-confidence because someone is going to like you for you if you just give her the chance. If you’re doing it because you want to look cool and show that you have lots and lots of friend, you’re a huge loser.

7. Dressed Up As Darth Vader (Or An Equally Weird Costume)

I’m not trying to insult Stars Wars fans. I know you guys are like a cult and I wouldn’t dare mess with you. But, really? To make your one and only photo be you dressed up in a Darth Vader costume? Do you honestly believe that this is going to get all the ladies? News flash, buddy, no girls are going near your light saber.

Did I miss weird photos guys (or girls) put up?

11 thoughts on “What Your Online Dating Profile Photos Should *Not* Look Like, Guys

  1. I don’t know why but I hate seeing head shots. I feel like it’s almost a fake picture. All you need is a picture of your face, a full body shot and you’re good. Obviously the more the better, but yeah.

  2. I totally agree. Gotta also love the girls who take twenty million pictures of themselves until they get the right pose, LOL!

  3. HAHAHA!!! This is definitely one of my favorite posts!!!! It couldn’t be more true!! Men always complain about girls being vain, well nothing screams “vain and egomaniac” like a guy taking pics of himself shirtless with pubic hair showing in his bathroom mirror. Ugh! Where have the classy guys gone?? I’m strongly assuming NOT on POF lol

  4. Actually mandy, i’ve managed to meet one classy guy online and have friends who have succesful relationships with nice guys based on dates from that site. i’ll say though, that i’ve done the onlnine dating thing more than once and couldnt agree more with this article and also for the most part the pof comment haha. there are so many douch bags its unreal and the shirtless in the bathroom thing is such a piss off, i would automaticly discount all those guys.

  5. I always thought Star Wars fans held their light sabers to guard their virginity.

    I’ve noticed the douchebaggy guys will take a self shot with their cell phone. Usually they have an Ed Hardy shirt with a flat billed hat (the universal mark of an underachiever).

    Girls have their own red flags. My favorite is when they hold the camera up above their head, and take a picture downward (this is how the big ones get an angle to look thin).

    Oh, and the profile descriptions are just as great. Some people like to sound much more exciting than they really are (they’ll say they like to skydive every weekend – that’s probably not true). Or there are the very boring/desperate people who will say things like “If you want to know more, just ask!”

    Great post!

  6. Jim: VERY true about the Ed Hardy shirt and flat billed hat being the universal mark of an underachiever lmaooo.I don’t get the whole angle thing, though. Doesn’t that make their heads look huge? Or it that the point – to make their bodies look smaller in comparison? There’s also the token Duck Kissy Face, which is both for girls and guys. Where do these people come from?

  7. Erin: Yes, I cross the bathroom picture guys off the list immediately. And, I agree. I’ve (obviously) dated a lot of guys off of PlentyofFish. I’m currently dating a really great guy from the site, actually. There are great guys and losers everywhere — online, in bars, on the street. You just have to sift through the losers until you find a great guy for yourself.

  8. Mandy: Ugh, pubic hair showing is the WORST! But in all seriousness though there *are* classy guys on POF (I’m currently dating one). You just have to search very, very hard for them!

  9. Matt: I agree…because, if you got the right photographer, a headshot is cleaned up for you in Photoshop. I don’t want a black-and-white (or even colored) photo of someone’s face that looks like it belongs in a Broadway Playbill or Graduation Booklet. I want to see what they actually look like in real life.

  10. I love the first picture of the guy looking in the mirror :))
    I’m a woman, and guys… don’t worry, is not the muscles we are looking for in a man.
    Actually, the better a guy looks the easier he will slip away from you. I’m not saying this is a rule, but it sure is a frequent problem.
    A confident man with a non perfect body is way more attractive than a gorgeous one in love with himself.

  11. Very great post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wanted to
    say that I have truly loved surfing around your blog posts.
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