Oh God, Let Me Choke On My Chicken So I Don’t Have To Withstand Another Minute Of This Date

A couple months ago, I went on a first date with a guy that I met online. (I’ve called him Bill in another post, “Jen, I Hate Your Red Hair”… “Jerk, I Hate Your Black Soul”.) As we chatted over appetizers, I asked the question I always ask guys I’ve met from POF: So tell me your most horrifying online dating experience.

He proceeded to tell me about a girl (or should I say woman) he met after sending messages back and forth. She had asked him to meet her at her apartment (which is never a good sign) one night after work. When he got there, a heavyset woman in her thirties answered the door.

“Hi, I’m looking for Gina,” Bill said.

“Hey, it’s me,” the woman replied.

They talked on her couch for an hour, and then Bill said he had to head out.

“Why are you leaving?” she asked.

“Well, to be honest with you, you’re a lot older and heavier than you were in the pictures you put up in your profile,” Bill said. “Don’t you think you were deceptive by putting up old pictures?”

The woman made up some excuse about being “too lazy” to take down old photos. Yeah, okay. I’m not going to defend this woman, because we all know how much I despise when people put up old/fake photos in their profiles (See: Pretending A Celebrity’s Photos Are Your Own Is Lower Than Low.) I, was, however, totally disgusted with the fact that Bill said that to her.

I sat there thinking, Wow, what a mean person. I would never say that to someone in a million years.

I got a queasy feeling in my stomach that told me that this guy was not for me. The feeling got worse when, a few minutes later, he took an obviously sarcastic joke I made seriously, and pretty much accused me of being a whore.

I had told him that I baked cupcakes, and he was excited to have one.

“Yeah, well, I only told you I made cupcakes to lure you home to have sex with you. What’d you think JenAndMen was just a blog. Totallyyy an escort service.”

“Wait, really?” he asked, his jaw slightly dropped.

“No, not really!” I said back, horrified. “What do you think I am, some sort of hooker?”

He then proceeded to go on and on about how girls are always trying to sleep with him and practically said that he has to beat them off with a stick. I have never been so turned off by a guy in my entire life. (1) Insult a woman to her face instead of just politely saying he didn’t feel a spark: Check, (2) Not getting sarcasm, my language second to English: Check, (3) Believing I was a hooker: Check.

I chalked it up to him being nervous and actually decided to give the idiot another chance and then two weeks later he (4) Insulting my family values and PDA and asking if I THOUGHT I WAS DECEPTIVE about my red hair: Triple Check.

Get a new line, asshole. He was cut immediately after that. (Should have been cut after that first horrible date.)

Have you ever prayed for a first date to be over? What happened?

3 thoughts on “Oh God, Let Me Choke On My Chicken So I Don’t Have To Withstand Another Minute Of This Date

  1. My first date that lasted a month:

    I was set up on a date by my friend. I had met the girl previously but did not really remember her. I figured what the heck though and went with it because apparently I had made a positive impression an according to my friend she could use a date with a nice guy.

    So I call her up arrange a movie date and then it began… It started with me showing up on time with a yellow rose. She wasn’t ready so I chatted with her father. He fell in love with me years later she was still asked by him why we did not work out.

    She took about an hour to get ready so we missed the first showing. But I was okay with that. She came out frowned at the rose dismissivly took care of it and we left. She was wearing a sweatshirt and plaid sparkly pajama pants… I am all for comfort but this was a horrible look that I could not fathom taking 15 minutes let alone an hour.

    At the movie theater we ended up waiting 45 minutes walking around as she told me about how her mother was in jail. It was like a therapy session. Then after the horrid movie that she awwed all over (loudly) she got really miffed because I said I knew that yellow is the color of friendship (I figured we were already aquainted but didn’t want to come on too strong).

    I took her home and she proceeded to hug me for 20 minutes. I like hugging but after that mess I was thinking handshake not death grip hug for eons.

    And to top it all off our mutual friend proceeded to lie to us for a month about how into each other we were. So we both talked and imed over a month vaguely trying to tip toe around devistating the other person who was falling hard while neither one of us wanted to go out again. Eventually we both couldn’t take it and blurted out the truth. After that we were casual friends but that was one hell of a bad first date and it lasted a month

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