As I mentioned in Dating Is Like Interviewing And Being Interviewed All At Once, if you’re talking to multiple people, you’re obviously going to go on multiple dates a week. (Hell, I used to go on multiple dates a day). This is fine. Time-consuming and a bit tiring, but fine. There is one golden rule that must always be followed at all times though: Never tell the guy/girl you’re dating that you are also dating other people.
My friend Zack recently took a girl he met on POF out for coffee. Somehow the topic of “second chances” got brought up, and the girl turned to him and casually said, “Oh yeah, I’m a firm believer in second chances. For example, this guy that I met on the site pissed me off last week, but he apologized so I decided to give him a second chance and go out on a date with him tomorrow.”
Zack looked at her with disgust. Scrunching up his face, he thought maybe he misheard her. “Did you just tell me that you’re going on a date with a different guy tomorrow?” he asked.
The girl didn’t flinch. “Yeah. I go on a lot of dates,” she said, matter-of-factly. “Tonight I’m out with you. Tomorrow I’m going out with him. Saturday I have a date with a different guy.”
Zack said he wanted to throw her out of his car and leave her in the parking lot they were sitting in.
“Jen, could you believe she openly admitted to me that she’s dating all these other guys?!” he yelled to me when he got home that night. “I mean, obviously she’s going to be dating other people; she’s on a dating site, I didn’t expect her to only date me. But to say it to my face?! How fucking crazy and rude is that?!”
I honestly couldn’t believe it. How stupid could this chick be to tell Zack right to his face that he wasn’t the only one taking her out? I had only been in this situation once before — and I was dragged into it against my will. It was enough to teach me to ALWAYS lie when it comes to dating multiple guys at once.
I had been talking to three (or thirteen, I forget) guys off of POF when I first signed up for it. However, there was one guy, Ross, that really caught my attention. One night, while on the phone with Ross, we began talking about the upcoming weekend.
“So, can I finally get to see in person and take you out this Friday?” he asked.
I wanted to cry. I already had a date with a guy (who I had very little interest in) and so badly wanted to hang out with Ross. I decided that it was too rude to cancel two days before the date, so I sucked it up and told him that I had already made plans for Friday, but that I was free Saturday.
“Saturday’s good, too,” he said.
Just as I was breathing out a sigh of relief that he didn’t ask what my Friday night plans were: “So whatcha up to on Friday?”
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
“Oh, umm, I have dinner plans,” I said, making a failed attempt to sound casual.
“Oh, cool. So with like your family? Friends?…”
This guy was not going to let this go.
“With a guy, actually.”
“Ohhh, you have a date,” he said, in the same tone he’d use to say, “Ohhh, you have an STD.”
Yeah, but I’m really not looking forward to it at all. I wish I could cancel it and just see you to be perfectly honest (and that was honest – but, at that point, I would have said that anyway even if I didn’t mean it).
I hadn’t turned a guy off that fast since I asked if a guy I was on a first date with was gay. Ever since that moment (the dating multiple guys moment, not the gay moment – that guy was definitely gay), I’ve lied – or, at the very least, omitted. There’s really no reason at all to say if you’re going out on dates with other people (unless you’re sleeping with them – that’s a whole new ballgame).
“Jen, where are you going tonight?” –> “Out with a friend” or “Out with [insert female friend’s name here].” Deceitful? Yeah, maybe. Justified? After the change in tone of voice I got from Ross and the look of death that stupid girl got from Zack…COMPLETELY. The only time it’s wrong is when you call the guy/girl you’re with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Once you establish that you’re in a committed relationship, there should be no more dating around (or lying about dating around).
Do you think you should come clean about dating multiple guys or lie? Any stories to share?