*Of Course* You Always Lie About Dating Multiple People!

As I mentioned in Dating Is Like Interviewing And Being Interviewed All At Once, if you’re talking to multiple people, you’re obviously going to go on multiple dates a week. (Hell, I used to go on multiple dates a day). This is fine. Time-consuming and a bit tiring, but fine. There is one golden rule that must always be followed at all times though: Never tell the guy/girl you’re dating that you are also dating other people.

My friend Zack recently took a girl he met on POF out for coffee. Somehow the topic of “second chances” got brought up, and the girl turned to him and casually said, “Oh yeah, I’m a firm believer in second chances. For example, this guy that I met on the site pissed me off last week, but he apologized so I decided to give him a second chance and go out on a date with him tomorrow.”

Zack looked at her with disgust. Scrunching up his face, he thought maybe he misheard her. “Did you just tell me that you’re going on a date with a different guy tomorrow?” he asked.

The girl didn’t flinch. “Yeah. I go on a lot of dates,” she said, matter-of-factly. “Tonight I’m out with you. Tomorrow I’m going out with him. Saturday I have a date with a different guy.”

Zack said he wanted to throw her out of his car and leave her in the parking lot they were sitting in.

“Jen, could you believe she openly admitted to me that she’s dating all these other guys?!” he yelled to me when he got home that night. “I mean, obviously she’s going to be dating other people; she’s on a dating site, I didn’t expect her to only date me. But to say it to my face?! How fucking crazy and rude is that?!”

I honestly couldn’t believe it. How stupid could this chick be to tell Zack right to his face that he wasn’t the only one taking her out? I had only been in this situation once before — and I was dragged into it against my will. It was enough to teach me to ALWAYS lie when it comes to dating multiple guys at once.

I had been talking to three (or thirteen, I forget) guys off of POF when I first signed up for it. However, there was one guy, Ross, that really caught my attention. One night, while on the phone with Ross, we began talking about the upcoming weekend.

“So, can I finally get to see in person and take you out this Friday?” he asked.

I wanted to cry. I already had a date with a guy (who I had very little interest in) and so badly wanted to hang out with Ross. I decided that it was too rude to cancel two days before the date, so I sucked it up and told him that I had already made plans for Friday, but that I was free Saturday.

“Saturday’s good, too,” he said.

Just as I was breathing out a sigh of relief that he didn’t ask what my Friday night plans were: “So whatcha up to on Friday?”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

“Oh, umm, I have dinner plans,” I said, making a failed attempt to sound casual.

“Oh, cool. So with like your family? Friends?…”

This guy was not going to let this go.

“With a guy, actually.”

“Ohhh, you have a date,” he said, in the same tone he’d use to say, “Ohhh, you have an STD.”

Yeah, but I’m really not looking forward to it at all. I wish I could cancel it and just see you to be perfectly honest (and that was honest – but, at that point, I would have said that anyway even if I didn’t mean it).

I hadn’t turned a guy off that fast since I asked if a guy I was on a first date with was gay. Ever since that moment (the dating multiple guys moment, not the gay moment – that guy was definitely gay), I’ve lied – or, at the very least, omitted. There’s really no reason at all to say if you’re going out on dates with other people (unless you’re sleeping with them – that’s a whole new ballgame).

“Jen, where are you going tonight?” –> “Out with a friend” or “Out with [insert female friend’s name here].” Deceitful? Yeah, maybe. Justified? After the change in tone of voice I got from Ross and the look of death that stupid girl got from Zack…COMPLETELY. The only time it’s wrong is when you call the guy/girl you’re with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Once you establish that you’re in a committed relationship, there should be no more dating around (or lying about dating around).

Do you think you should come clean about dating multiple guys or lie? Any stories to share?

8 thoughts on “*Of Course* You Always Lie About Dating Multiple People!

  1. I completely agree. Although i would prefer to be the only person someone is seeing, so long as the person isn’t being deliberately deceitful in otherwise implying that he is interested in only me, there is nothing wrong with dating around (as long as you’re not screwing around!) with people until there is a mutual agreement/acknowledged, monogamous commitment.

  2. I would rather not know right away. But if is like date 4 or 5 and something is starting to develop I think that question has to be asked….online dating makes it more difficult because you are matching up with people on a daily basis. Do you flat out ask him if has stopped responding and looking for matches and canceled his membership? I once got into a huge fight with a guy I was dating because we had been dating for three months (we met on match) and he said he went on to his site to cancel it and my profile “popped up” and said I had been active in the last 24 hours. He flipped out on me. Truth be told I had really gone on the site to figure out how to deactivated mine but couldn’t so I just let it go so that is why I was active. He accused me of still dating people and went a little nuts. Needless to say we broke it off shortly after. Turns out he had some major trust and jealously issues I definitly didn’t need to deal with.

  3. Natasha: It’s true. As long as you don’t say, “I’m only seeing/kissing you” and then seeing other people, it’s okay. I just don’t want to hear about it lol.

  4. Oh lord. I’ve only ever dated two guys at the same time, once. I was really attracted to ‘Jim’, we somehow really connected even though we were from completely different backgrounds and we had a great time hanging out and flirting. At the same time I met another guy ‘Ted’, who was super attractive, and funny and fun to be around. One night I made plans to meet up with Ted at an outdoors concert. We were flirty, standing really close, whisper/yelling etc etc. when out of nowhere Jim comes up from behind and warmly greets me! I turn around, happy to see him, wondering what he thought about the situation, and I began to introduce the two of them.
    But they interrupted me. HEY! You play on the intermural ____ team at McGill University, right?…. Fuck. Turns out they played on the same freaking soccer team at their home university. That blew my mind. Jim and Ted were studying completely different things, not to mention they were both foreign born, and we were all visiting a new place… I never would have guessed that they had met, much less been teammates! We ended up all hanging out for the rest of the evening…. mayhem ensued. We all had a blast, I couldn’t believe it. Of all the situations in the world, did my summer flings have to know one another? Ultimately that didn’t effect my relationship with either of them. Ted turned out to be a terrible kisser, and Jim was incredibly romantic but nothing ever came of any of it because ultimately, I lived several thousand miles away. To this day, I don’t know if they ever found out I was seeing both of them at the same time.

  5. A: OMG that’s GREAT. I’m going to make this into its own post, if you don’t mind. That is such a crazy story — I would expect it to happen to me.

  6. Dating multiple people at once is completely dishonest. Why else do you think you don’t tell them? They would run away. Do the people who you are dating know that you’re potentially wasting their time? Couldn’t you experiment with one person for a few dates, see how it goes, and then move on? It takes about the same amount of time.

    Multiple dating is just a code term for:

    1) Being afraid of commitment
    2) Ego stroke at the expense of others

    If you really liked any of the guys, you wouldn’t want to screw up by going out on a date with another.

  7. If dating multiple people simultaneously was OK nobody would have to lie about it, simple as that. I find people who do this incredibly selfish users. Of course it’s “convenient” – for them, having all the advantages without any real effort or commitment, while stringing genuine people along. That is, of course, if you expect to find someone genuine. But I assure you, anyone who’s OK with you dating other people is only superficially interested as well.

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