Last night, my friend Joe told me a story that left me shaking my head. He began by asking, “Jen, did I tell you about the perfect girl I met a few months ago?”
Excited to hear about a love story, and confused as to why it ended, I anxiously told him that he had not.
“I can’t really remember how we met. I think it was online,” he started. (Already the beginning signs that this was not exactly a perfect romance if he couldn’t even remember where he had met her.)
“Anyway, she drove the hour to my apartment and we went out to dinner and walked on the beach – you know, all that corny date bullshit. Then we came back to my apartment and started drinking. And, when I say drinking, I mean like hard-core, glasses and glasses of vodka drinking.”
“Okay, go on,” I said, thinking about how disgusting vodka is, and how I’d never drink that much on a date.
“So, yeah, as the night went on, I started to realize that there was no way I could date this girl. She just had too many problems and I knew it would never work…So then we ended up having sex…”
“Wait, what?!” I cut him off. “How the hell does that follow ‘I could never date this girl’?!”
“Well, maybe I started thinking that after the sex. I can’t really remember. Oh wait, no, it was before. Ah, whatever,” he went on.
At this point, my jaw was fully dropped and I was wildly shaking my head.
“So we end up having sex like three or four times that night, and then twice the next morning – most of which she initiated. Then she asked, ‘Do you wanna go one more time before I leave?’ and I said, ‘Nah, I’m pretty tired and I have to meet up with my brother and a couple of our friends in like an hour, so…'”
“Wait, so you actually turned down sex?” I asked, shocked.
“Well, we had done it like 5 times. I was tired. Anyway, so this girl leaves and all I could think about was how she was cuddling with me and asking me to have all that sex with her, and now she was probably going to want to see me again and have a relationship…” He spoke the last sentence like he was describing a long list of errands that he needed to complete on his one day off from work.
“Gee, Joe. I wonder why she’d think that after you slept with her five times and idles with her all night long. What did you end up telling her?” I asked.
“That’s the best part. I was all prepared with a speech about how the distance would never work, when I got a text from her saying, ‘Hey, I had a great time with you last night but I don’t think we’re going to work out.'”
Joe’s voice was genuinely overjoyed during the reenactment of the text message.
“Oh my God, you must have been jumping up and down,” I said, flatly.
“I WAS!” he excitedly yelled back. “This girl was amazing – she drove to me, had sex with me repeatedly, and then ended it before I had to come up with a bad excuse!”
“That’s what you call amazing, huh?” I asked, losing faith in men more and more as we spoke.