European, Metrosexual, or Gay?

I’m not sure why, but almost every single European my cousin Victoria and I came across during our Italian vacation appeared, at first glance, to be gay. I’m thinking it had to do with the tightness of their pants, but that wasn’t all. There’s something extremely attractive about a gay man who knows he looks good. Even more than a straight guy, or even straight metrosexual, a hot gay guy walks with a certain swagger that says, “I’m hot to both genders and I know it.”

While on line at customs, Victoria and I played the “Is he European or American?” game. The two nationalities were fairly easy to distinguish between.

The well-dressed, fo-hawked, super skinny hotties were the Europeans, and the baseball hat sporting, t-shirt, baggy shorts, flip-flop-wearing guys were the Americans. Not necessarily less good looking, just way different.

We were stalking everyone out, listening to hear what languages they spoke to see if we were correct, when we found out that we were wrong about one. Nine out of ten correct, and this guy stumped us. We looked at his tight clothes, his pointed leather shoes, his Louis Vuitton luggage. How could he not be European?

That’s when we listened a little more closely. Sure enough, he was talking to someone about his boyfriend.

Victoria looked at me and said, “We were tricked! He’s not European, he’s gay!”

I find that I am often tricked by guys who I think are straight and turn out to like other guys, and vice versa. I think it has something to do with the fact that almost every guy that I hang out with/am related to is incredibly well-dressed and great looking. The whole “metrosexual” craze has taken over everyone around me and it is constantly clouding my judgement.

I dated a guy for a whole month before realizing he was gay, only later to find out from my close gay friend that he had, in fact, hooked up with the guy, too. When I confronted the guy I was dating with a “Just tell me if you’re gay and we can be friends” comment, his response was that he didn’t like labels, and why couldn’t he just be Brian (I change all the names of the guys I write about, so if a guy named Brian who I have previously dated is reading this — it is not about you, buddy).

I was once abandoned on a train because I politely asked a guy I was on a second date with if he was gay. I thought it was a simple question with a simple answer. All the signs were there and, honestly, I just didn’t want another Brian situation where I got attached and was then left inadvertently burned. He claimed he wasn’t, and then said he was completely turned off to me after I asked him that. Completely turned off to me because I asked him that, or because I was a girl?

Not that all gay guys dress in tight beautiful clothes and have flawless skin, but the ones I’m friends with do. So, when I see a guy who looks that way, I’m really torn. Is he Metro, like my heterosexual guy friends? Or gay like my homosexual guy friends? Who the hell can tell anymore?!

I just had an entire conversation with a coworker of mine who is desperately trying to figure out if the guy who he is trying to hook up with female models is gay or straight. This guy is constantly talking about girls, going out on dates, and making out with beautiful women on street corners. He is also one of the most flamboyant men I have ever met. He is gay. I had originally typed “Trust me, he’s gay.” But, clearly my gay-dar is broken nowadays because I’m mixing up guys’ sexual orientations left and right.

Add crazy hot, tight-clothes-wearing, swagger-inhabiting, designer sunglass-sporting, Gucci-model Italian look-alikes to the mix, and I’m just screwed.

Can you tell if a guy is gay or straight? Have you ever been wrong? Have you ever dated a gay guy?

One thought on “European, Metrosexual, or Gay?

  1. This is so funny! I was in South Beach with a friend. The on going joke was “Is he European or Gay” I would have to say it was 50/50 lol. Great article. BTW, I heard about you during the Elvis Duran Show back in November.

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