This past weekend, my girlfriends and I went out to Lucky Cheng’s to celebrate my 25th birthday. (I know, I know, I’m insanely old.) For those of you who are not familiar with this establishment, it is a restaurant/drag queen cabaret. Within five minutes of choosing between two drinks — the Pink Pussy and the Flaming Poon — we witnessed a lap dance that made even me blush.
After seeing one of the “girls” doing a complete upside-down split in the air in a girl’s face, “she” then put another girl’s head completely under “her” skirt and danced like that for a full 45 seconds.
I turned to my friends and said, “I’ll take all your lives if you do that to me.” I think the look of pure death in my eyes told them I was serious, because I got no surprise visits.
Later in the night, the male-dressed-as-a-female host came around to all the tables and asked if we were celebrating something. All my friends shouted, “It’s her birthday!!!” and pointed at me.
He/she looked at me and said, “Ooo stand up. Look at you, skinny white bitch. My name is Japanese Fucking Bitch. I love your dress. Nice push up bra. How old are you?”
“Twenty-five,” I said into the microphone.
“Ohhh, you kind of an old bitch. But you look very young, so it’s okaaay. Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Are you a lesbian?”
“Do you have a fuck buddy?”
I had no idea there was a person in the world that could make blush, but apparently I met her (him? her?). After deciding I was embarrassed enough, he/she moved on to the next unsuspecting birthday girl/bachelorette.
Then our server came over and I let him/her know that there was a spelling mistake in the menu (a huuuge pet peeve of mine).
“Honey, I’m a boy in the dress. Does it look like we give a shit about a spelling mistake?! Look around you! This place is all kinds of f*cked up!”
My friends and I just about died laughing. A little while later, I was chosen to give another patron a lap dance, which earned me a shot and the respect of everyone in the restaurant that thought I was shy. Mwa ha ha.
Have you ever been to a transvestite cabaret? How did it go?