The moment he walked in, my dog (a stunning golden retriever, springer spaniel mix, who’s 5’2 when he stands on his hind legs) jumped up and hugged him. When their moment of lust was over, I told him to follow me into the kitchen so that I could grab us drinks for the Blockbuster popcorn he brought over (what whattt).
Along the way, he met my mom and my brother. While we were standing in the kitchen, my mom walked in and said, “I hope you didn’t mind the hug.”
A look of panic flashed across Marcus’ face. For a split second, all he said was “Uhh” and then followed it up with “…Yeah, yeah, I have a dog so I’m fine with it.”
The next day, my mom said, “You know, I think your friend thought I was asking if he would mind if I gave him a hug.”
“Oh my God! I saw the panic in his eyes, too!” I yelled out. “I can’t believe I forgot to bring it up!”
When I asked him about it, he totally confirmed what we had thought. “I’m really more of a waver than a hugger, and I was really confused. Then I realized she had said the word ‘dog’ and put two and two together and tried to save myself with saying I had a dog.”
Then he told me about another funny incident that I had completely missed.
After the hug conversation, I said, “Okay, let’s peace out, yo,” and led the way to the basement. “Just close the door behind you so the dog doesn’t come down.”
But when Marcus put his hand on the doorknob, he saw that my mom had put her hand on the other side of it, to close it from the kitchen.
“I didn’t know what to do. We had that awkward moment of ‘Do I take my hand off the knob? Do I wait and see if she takes her hand off? Do we join forces and close the door together?”
I was hysterical when I heard this because it just added to the evening’s ridiculousness.
When the door was closed (who knows by whom), we went into the basement and put the movie in. I couldn’t find the remote for the DVD player, so I kept the TV on mute while the previews were on.
In the meantime, Marcus leaned over and kissed me. We had one of those cheesy moments that I make fun of people for having and stared into each other’s eyes all sweetly. That’s when it happened. The sound.
Marcus stared at me with the only look of horror. At first, I didn’t know why he was doing that. Then it clicked. Oh. My. God.
My face turned as red as my hair.
“That thing that sounds like a baby dragon with a cold is the air freshener sitting on the dresser behind us,” I blurted out as quickly as the words could possibly escape my mouth.
“Oh thank God, I was gonna say – ‘That was the most disgusting thing anyone has ever done to me,’” Marcus replied, sighing in relief.
“No! Eww!! What do you think I am?!” I yelled back, totally disgusted and embarrassed.
So basically our first at-home hangout was a success. First, he thought my mom was a crazy lady asking for a hug (which is just ironic because she hates when people hug her, haha). Then the doorknob incident. And then he thought I farted. Welcome to my life.