This note must be read: IF YOU ARE RELATED TO ME OR OVER THE AGE OF 40 DO NOT READ IT! SERIOUSLY…MOVE ON TO THE NEXT POST FOR YOUR OWN SANITY!
So I had possibly the craziest experience of my life last Thursday. Two of my girlfriends and I went to The Piazza Brothers winery to make lemoncello (yes, we do things like that, haha). While we were peeling lemons, a little old man sat down next to us. He introduced himself (I’ll call him Sal) and told us that he worked in the sex store next door.
At first, I thought he was joking. Then, as Sal started off the conversation with some of the dirtiest (and funniest) jokes I’ve ever heard, I realized he was serious. After drinking wine and eating cheese, he informed me that he was going to give me a tour of the store.
As I got up to leave the winery, I told my friend Lisa to tell my mother that I loved her if I didn’t come back, and hesitantly followed him out the door thinking, he’s little and old, if I really had to take him, I could.
My jaw dropped the moment he opened the door. My face instantly turned the color of my hair. The store was huge, and sectioned off by category. There were 5 that I could identify right away: sex toys, bongs, lingerie, S&M mechanisms, and porn…lots and lots of porn.
He took my hand and walked me around the store, showing me each section, and telling me what he’d do to me with each item he pointed out. And I thought my face couldn’t get any redder. He specifically informed me how he wanted to use the 16-inch dildo on me, showed me what lingerie he would dress me in, and explained how we would tie each other up using this device.
He then offered to take me upstairs to the booths where porn is viewed to have sex with him “if [he] could keep it up.” When we got back into the winery, Sal put a tiny vibrator against the back of my neck and asked if I “wanted it anywhere else.” He then proceeded to ask me and my friend if he could grab a boobs on each of us while we took a picture with him. I responded with “Maybe we won’t do that.”
I was shocked and appalled — and extremely entertained. Yeah he was a dirty old man, but he was freaking hilarious.
When I left he gave me a penis straw and told me to “think of him” when I used it. He is 82 years old. This is my life. This is why I have a blog.
Have you ever been hit on by a dirty old man?