If I’m Hearing From Him, He Must Be Drunk…

My college boyfriend (who I’ve called Austin in past posts) and I had a very love/hate relationship — heavy on the hate. We used to joke that we were like Jordan and Perry from Scrubs (a couple who were constantly at each other’s throats). Anyway, when we inevitably broke up, I would hear from him every few months — but only after 2AM, and only when he was drunk. He would call when he knew I’d be asleep, and never leave a voicemail. Occasionally I’d get a text message.

I remember one time I was on the phone with my friend Daniela at like 3 in the morning, and my cell started beeping.

Who’s calling me at this time of night? I thought, and flipped the phone over to see the screen.

“Dan, I gotta go. It’s Austin. It’s been like 3 months since he’d pulled this shit…I’m gonna freak him out and actually pick up.”

I clicked my caller ID, said “Hello?” and got the most surprised “Umm…hey” that anyone has ever received in their life. “I…didn’t think you’d pick up. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning — what the hell are you still doing up??” he asked.

“So you called because you didn’t think I’d answer,” I said, shaking my head.

“Well…yeah. That’s usually how this game works.”

Now, don’t be confused. This was not “drunk texting” or “drunk dialing” (which is a blog post in itself). He would just use his alcohol consumption as an excuse to contact me after we hadn’t spoken in long periods of time so that, when I’d tell him to take a hike 9 out of 10 times, he wouldn’t feel so bad because “he only did it because he was drunk.” Eye roll.

The perfect lyric to describe Austin: You Never Call Me When You’re Sober; You Only Want It Cause It’s Over.

In case you didn’t read my September blog posts ripping him to shreds, I despise Austin, now. And not in the cutesy way I did before. In the ‘I told him to pretend I got into a terrible car accident and died’ sort of way. Since his most recent (and final) heartbreaking event, I haven’t heard from him…and I was happy. But it’s Austin, and when he senses happiness, he takes out his horns and fiery trident and comes after me.

One week after my awesome Z100 interview, something very strange happened. I received a text message from him before 3AM…Hell, before 3PM! This was unheard of…

Austin: Forgive me yet?
Me: I’ll let u know. Tell me who this is…
Austin: Makes sense that you would delete my number. You told me to delete yours.

(5 minutes later…)
Austin: It’s Austin.
Me: Yeah I got that after the last text. Hence the lack of response. Bye.
Austin: So you haven’t forgiven me yet?
Me: The very thought of u makes me nauseous. Go crawl back into your hole.
Austin: Yeah it was stupid to ask. I forgot you were a child. Give me a call when you grow up.
Me: ::dropped jaw::
Me: I would threaten u but I’d hate for there to be a record.
Austin: You’ve always been able to make me laugh.
Me: I know u heard my radio interview and sense that I’m happy so naturally you’re trying to rip it away from me but please be a human like I thought u were attempting to be for the past few months and leave me the fuck alone.
Austin: What radio interview? And when are you actually happy? You’ll find some tiny ridiculous thing to upset you in no time.

(15 minutes later…)
Austin: I am actually curious about the radio interview.

He didn’t deserve an answer because (a) he’s him and (b) that was a his pitiful excuse for a lie. I tell everyone I meet on the street about that Z100 interview. It’s all over JenAndMen, my Facebook, my Facebook JenAndMen Fan Page, and my Twitter. I did everything short of sky-writing. You really mean to tell me that he didn’t know, yet “randomly” contacted me a week after it happened?? Please. I thought even Austin was better than that.

Have you ever had an ex that only contacts you when he/she is drunk? Are you that ex?

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