I was elated to see the above e-card because it proves that there are others out there who feel the same way I do: 50 Shades of Grey is really 50 shades of effed up. If you haven’t read the books – aka housewife pornography – or seen the movie, you may be slightly lost. Then again, if you’ve watched any sort of dominant porn in your life, you can follow along just fine.
Christian Grey, 27-year-old billionaire (because millionaire would be too ordinary) takes a shining to poor, little Anastasia Steele. Not because she’s beautiful (she’s not), not because she’s special (she’s not), but because she is mousy, quiet, and introverted, with an unusual amount of sexual inexperience. She’s the type of girl that’s doe-eyed and eager to please, which are perfect submissive qualities in a dominant/submissive “relationship.”
Naturally this 21-year-old virgin who’s possibly never been kissed falls straight in love with this gorgeous, strapping, never-been-seen-with-a-female corporation owner. It probably doesn’t hurt that he’s buying her affection with a brand new 2015 Audi R8 and an invitation to live in his 5,100-square-foot custom-designed penthouse apartment.
Once Ana signs a contract – a contract – that basically legally allows Christian to beat the shit out of her and rape her on a daily basis, he will essentially own her. Well, well, that doesn’t sound very Christian-like at all, does it? Which brings me to the point of this post. Instead of focusing on how 50 Shades of Grey is hot and steamy and something to yearn for, shouldn’t we be thinking, Holy shit, am I really reading/seeing this?
(Spoiler alert) Continue reading
Years ago, my friend Ellie used to work with a cute, quiet, tech guy named Justin. They never actually spoke to one another, but two years ago, Justin got Ellie’s email address from a mutual friend, and told her that he’s always had a huge crush on her. After chatting for a few days, he told Ellie that he really wanted to wine and dine her and get to know her. She finally agreed to meet up with him late last week after work at 9:30PM.
When she got to the bar, she found out that he had been waiting for her for four hours! Apparently he had convinced his friend to go out and wait with him. When Justin went to the bathroom, his friend told Ellie how nervous he was to see her, how much he liked her, how he insisted they wait for her, etc.
Usually this kind of thing would be a turn off for Ellie, but since she’s trying to give “nice guys” a chance, she chose to see it as adorable and charming, instead. They started talking, and actually began hitting it off.
About an hour into the conversation, Justin says, “We just moved to Dumbo, Brooklyn.”
“Who’s ‘we’,” Ellie asked, confused. A roommate? A family member?
“Me and my girlfriend,” Justin replied. Continue reading
Another crazy tale about Ellie and John…
Senior year of college, after four years of sleeping together, Ellie saw John in a local bar (where he now worked). After a few drinks, John asked Ellie if she wanted to go back to his place to hook up. A few minutes later, they were driving back to his house. Halfway through the car ride, John received a text message.
All of a sudden, he started slurring his words and acting wildly drunk.
Are you okay?” Ellie asked him, seeing that he was tipsy at best just a minute earlier.
“Yeah, I’m fine!” John drunkenly yelled, and stuck his head out of her sunroof.
When they pulled up to his house and walked through the door, a girl, Marie, sat on the couch in the living room.
“Hi John,” she said coldly, and gave Ellie a death stare.
A friend of mine told me a horrifying story last week that put many of my bad dates to shame. Every time I thought my jaw couldn’t drop any further, a new detail shocked me again.
Back in freshman year of college, Ellie, a really pretty, petite girl, had her eye on a hot junior, John, who lived down the hall in her co-ed dorm. The two started making out at a party in his room, and before she knew it, everyone was gone and it was just the two of them. Things got hot and heavy, and they ended up naked on his bed with the lights off. That’s when he got up to get a condom.
When he got back on top of her with the condom, she opened her eyes to a terrifying sight — the naked guy sitting on her WAS NOT JOHN. Continue reading
This past weekend I sat and listened to 5 guys (one of which was my boyfriend, Mark) discuss cars for two hours straight. I turned to the person next to me and asked, “Do they always talk about cars?” He said, “Well, to be fair. They all love cars and when guys get together they’re going to talk about what they love.”
It got me thinking: What do girls talk about when we get together? Oh yeah — we talk about our guys who only talk about cars. Continue reading
Ah, the dating world. How often do we get attached to someone, break up with him/her, go through withdrawal, sometimes even depression, when all along we never really even knew them at all?
It’s like we find what may as well be a mannequin, and fill our heads with what we believe that person should like. Let me know if this sounds familiar…
1. Sees a photo of guy with his mother: He loves his family so much. When we get married, holidays will be so wonderful.
Reality: He sees his mother once a year. Notice the date on the photo.
2. Sees a photo of guy with nephew/niece: He’s great with kids. Yeah, when we have babies, he’s going to make a great dad.
Reality: This is his ex’s niece or nephew. He is still talking to her. Continue reading
This post is inspired by a JenAndMen reader, who I’ll call Michelle, who wrote me the following message:
|I’m going through a divorce and all my friends are married with kids. Can I just go to a bar by myself? Is that Lame Sauce or A-OK? Love your blog!
This is a really great topic to debate about: Is it okay to go to a bar alone? I’m going to say “No” — and not just because of the lameness factor. I have compiled a list because (a) it’s easy to read and (b) it’s really fun for me to both compile lists and use the word “compile” on a daily basis.
1. Bars are filled with horny, possibly crazy people…who now have access to alcohol. I honestly just don’t think it’s safe for a chick to go to a bar all by her lonesome. I mean, if the night goes really well, and you end up meeting a guy, who’s going to be able to tell the sketch artist what he looked like if you should suddenly go missing when he walks you to your car?
2. Who’s gonna distract the ugly friends? It’s also good to a have a wing-woman with you — someone to keep the gross friend or friends busy while you mack it to the guy you like. Guys think having a wingman is where it’s at. They haven’t met me as a wing-woman, yet.
3. You look really Continue reading
February 14th can mean only two things to people: Love, joy, and excitement — or hatred, anger and loneliness. I think you could figure out who falls into which group. If you’re in a relationship, it’s like Christmas Part II. You get to see/show just how much you and your partner love each other, give/receive awesome gifts, and get lots and lots and lots of chocolate. What taken person wouldn’t love Valentine’s Day?
Then, of course, you have the untaken people. Untaken people don’t get the love, presents, or 7 pounds of chocolate. Instead, they get to be reminded that they are alone. This upsetting fact is already almost too much to bear the other 364 days of the year…but on a day where everyone is shoving their love for one another down their throats? It’s enough to make someone scream out on a crowded street. Continue reading
My boyfriend, Mark, told me about an article that asks what is and is not acceptable as a Valentine’s Day gift. Apparently a bunch of women were interviewed and 10/10 of them agreed that dinner could and should be counted as the gift itself.
I just have one question: Were these women interviewed from the confines of their rooms or in the common room at the Mental Institution they’re staying at? Continue reading
This is a continuation of my previous post, Go from Rejectional to Exceptional (Part 1), which explains how I am doing my best-friend-duty to find Jason a girlfriend by writing to girls on PlentyofFish.com. Here we go again:
In the second paragraph I ask questions about her life (LIFE not DAY). This is a very common mistake guys make. Listen, buddy, I don’t care how hot you are. No girl wants to discuss her mood or her day in the first message with a complete stranger. That’s something way more intimate than guys can comprehend, and isn’t likely going to be shared immediately. Whenever I’d get a message like “How’s your day going, beautiful?” I’d usually delete it. It shows that a guy simply looked at your picture and not your profile and most likely is trying to sleep with you. Continue reading
So lately I have been on a covert mission to get my best friend, Jason, a girlfriend. After years of hearing him complain about PlentyofFish.com, the site where I met my boyfriend, I finally decided to give him some help.
After getting his username and password, I began searching for girls who I think would be a good fit for Jason (cute, family-oriented, well-rounded, good job, short). Once I find a suitable prospect, I send him a screen shot of her picture. (He couldn’t care less about her profile). If he gives me the ‘okay’, I send the girl a message. Continue reading
This is a post about a bad date worthy of a movie, the kind I was accustomed to having way back when…
Last week, my friend Alan went on a first date with Jill, a girl he met online. Unlike traditional means, they decided to watch a movie at her apartment. While he was on his way to her, she called him.
“Do you think you can fix my toilet?” she asked, randomly. “It’s not really working the right way.”
For the first time ever, I went on a romantic couple’s vacation. My boyfriend, Mark, took me to Jamaica last week. Because he is the outdoorsy type, we did some pretty crazy stuff, including ziplining, river-tubing, and climbing a waterfall. I, myself, prefer calmer activities — massages, poolside sunbathing, and peaceful kayaking off the shoreline. Well, the massage was painful as Hell, I got an insane sunburn, and the damn kayaking almost killed me! Ironic, I know.
I was mocked by the Water Sports Activities’ director the second I strapped the life vest on (with his help) and sat down in the boat. Continue reading
I hate when I laugh out loud in a movie when everyone else is silent.
About a week ago, my boyfriend, Mark, and I went to see the movie “This is 40″. Paul Rudd, the star, plays the owner of a music studio. He talks about how much he loves Simon & Garfunkel. When he and his wife get into a fight, he calls the awkward silence “The Sounds of Silence”, Simon & Garfunkel’s most famous song.
Naturally, I laughed hysterically. There was only one problem — I was the only one Continue reading