This post is inspired by a JenAndMen reader, who I’ll call Michelle, who wrote me the following message:
I’m going through a divorce and all my friends are married with kids. Can I just go to a bar by myself? Is that Lame Sauce or A-OK? Love your blog!
This is a really great topic to debate about: Is it okay to go to a bar alone? I’m going to say “No” — and not just because of the lameness factor. I have compiled a list because (a) it’s easy to read and (b) it’s really fun for me to both compile lists and use the word “compile” on a daily basis.
1. Bars are filled with horny, possibly crazy people…who now have access to alcohol. I honestly just don’t think it’s safe for a chick to go to a bar all by her lonesome. I mean, if the night goes really well, and you end up meeting a guy, who’s going to be able to tell the sketch artist what he looked like if you should suddenly go missing when he walks you to your car?
2. Who’s gonna distract the ugly friends? It’s also good to a have a wing-woman with you — someone to keep the gross friend or friends busy while you mack it to the guy you like. Guys think having a wingman is where it’s at. They haven’t met me as a wing-woman, yet.
Instagram. The new Facebook – which was the new MySpace, which was the new Aim, which was the new LIVE talking. It’s all the rage these days. It’s the way we show affection to those we love, throw jealousy at those we hate, and tell the world just how deeply inspirational, artsy, and deep we are. Not to mention cool. Yes, it proves just how much James fucking Dean we exhibit on a daily basis.
And without Instagram, think of how unfulfilling our lives would be. Every beautiful sight would just be a view to remember. Continue reading →
Everyone knows the only reason to watch the Superbowl is to see the awesome (and sucky) commercials that are especially made for the big game. And when the “big game” isn’t so big, as you all saw, the commercials really help soften the blow. Only two commercials really stuck out in my mind — Coco Cola’s and Budweiser’s.
I’ve heard a lot of controversy over Coco Cola’s decision to have people from about a million different races, cultures and religions sing America the Beautiful. Haters feel that Coca Cola stepped over the line. I’m just not sure how. Continue reading →
So I’m reading (and seeing) that Bruce Jenner is pretty much on his way to a sex change operation. Now, here’s the thing: I don’t actually care. I do care, however, that he refuses to admit to this. Dude (and I use that term loosely), you have hair plug, ombre that nicer than mine, and a shaved Adam’s apple. Do you really want to continue this charade? I totally get it. If I was married to Kris Kardashian, I’d Continue reading →
According to Complex.com, and just about every single person on my Twitter feed, Justin Beiber was bitch slapped by some basketball player named Blake Griffin. I’m just going to take a moment to say that I think he can be Kim Kardashian’s ex, Chris Humphreys’ identical twin, but moving right along…
Apparently Bieber was trying to order a caramel apple machhiato (do these exist and can someone buy one for me this second) shirtless, and went nuts when the barista told him that he had to be clothed to order. Come on, dude, you’re going to go nuts over that? The guy has just about the least amount of power of any profession in the United States of America. You couldn’t just let him feel like he won? Continue reading →
So I can’t believe I am once again posting about sports — but it’s not my fault. I am being hit over the head with it from every angle — first the Superbowl, then the Olympics, then the whole Griffin/Bieber bonanza, and now Derek Jeter. (Don’t worry, though, I have a mean story to go along with it!)
In the spirit of giving the people what they want, here goes nothin’: Derek Jeter is retiring after 19 years of playing professional baseball with the NY Yankees.
Jeter, who will be 40 when he retires, has had 3,316 hits (ninth most all-time), 256 home runs and 1,261 runs batted in. He’s been on 13 All-Star teams and won a Rookie of the Year award, as well as five Gold Gloves and five Silver Slugger honors. He also refused to nicely wave Hello to me 5 years ago. So screw him and his shiny yellow gloves. Continue reading →
So the 2014 Winter Olympic Games began on February 7th, 2014. We can choose between watching alpine skiing, biathlon, bobsleigh racing, cross country skiing, curling, figure skating, freestyle skiing, ice hockey, luge, nordic combined skiing, short track speed skating, skeleton racing, ski jumping, snowboarding, and speed skating. I totally just Googled that.
Much like the Superbowl, I feel like the Olympics can go one of two ways: Either you’re obsessed with it or you couldn’t care less. Unfortunately, I fall in the second category. I don’t even watch baseball or football, so I truly have zero desire to watch anyone compete in sports I’ve never even seen anywhere but in the Olympics. Unless, of course, one of these people are on the screen…
Look, moms, I get it. You have 18 kids and haven’t seen the inside of a salon in five years. Your hair is split and unhighlighted, your cuticles are nothing short of grotesque, and your eyebrows are beginning to frighten the neighbors. You decide there’s no possible way you can go on living looking like Cousin It’s hairier sibling, and decide it’s time to have some hardcore maintenance done. The problem? You’ve used up your babysitting favor-asking with every single one of your friends and family, and no one offers to watch the little nose-pickers, leaving you with what you believe is one choice: Bring the screamers along.
With the risk of sounding like I am trying to make small talk with you, readers, I feel I have to talk about what we are all thinking every single second of the day: It’s coooooold outside! And not in the fun Dolly Parton, Rod Stewart way. In the way that makes me flick tiny icicles off my nostrils as I ski down the streets of New York City. New…York…City, you hear that Mother Nature? Not freaking Anchorage, Alaska! What the hell is going on here? My hands have that old-man red, dry, cracking and bleeding thing going on that I’m sure everyone around me (especially those who have to shake it) are totally appreciative of. Continue reading →
It’s baffling to me just how much press Justin Bieber is getting for his arrest. I mean, really, people — this is what constitutes as news nowadays? What about the fact that people (including myself) don’t have jobs or health insurance? What about stories from Washington, DC, so we know what the hell’s going on in this country?; what about acts of heroism from police officers and firefighters? I’d even take hearing about this brick weather and seeing video of little kids sledding in Central Park. But, instead, I get to watch an over-privileged, under-masculine, all-around annoying white boy get cuffed on his LAMBORGHINI after snorting up all his easily earned money. Super. Continue reading →