Years ago, my friend Ellie used to work with a cute, quiet, tech guy named Justin. They never actually spoke to one another, but two years ago, Justin got Ellie’s email address from a mutual friend, and told her that he’s always had a huge crush on her. After chatting for a few days, he told Ellie that he really wanted to wine and dine her and get to know her. She finally agreed to meet up with him late last week after work at 9:30PM.
When she got to the bar, she found out that he had been waiting for her for four hours! Apparently he had convinced his friend to go out and wait with him. When Justin went to the bathroom, his friend told Ellie how nervous he was to see her, how much he liked her, how he insisted they wait for her, etc.
Usually this kind of thing would be a turn off for Ellie, but since she’s trying to give “nice guys” a chance, she chose to see it as adorable and charming, instead. They started talking, and actually began hitting it off.
About an hour into the conversation, Justin says, “We just moved to Dumbo, Brooklyn.”
“Who’s ‘we’,” Ellie asked, confused. A roommate? A family member?
Senior year of college, after four years of sleeping together, Ellie saw John in a local bar (where he now worked). After a few drinks, John asked Ellie if she wanted to go back to his place to hook up. A few minutes later, they were driving back to his house. Halfway through the car ride, John received a text message.
All of a sudden, he started slurring his words and acting wildly drunk.
Are you okay?” Ellie asked him, seeing that he was tipsy at best just a minute earlier.
“Yeah, I’m fine!” John drunkenly yelled, and stuck his head out of her sunroof.
When they pulled up to his house and walked through the door, a girl, Marie, sat on the couch in the living room.
“Hi John,” she said coldly, and gave Ellie a death stare.
A friend of mine told me a horrifying story last week that put many of my bad dates to shame. Every time I thought my jaw couldn’t drop any further, a new detail shocked me again.
Back in freshman year of college, Ellie, a really pretty, petite girl, had her eye on a hot junior, John, who lived down the hall in her co-ed dorm. The two started making out at a party in his room, and before she knew it, everyone was gone and it was just the two of them. Things got hot and heavy, and they ended up naked on his bed with the lights off. That’s when he got up to get a condom.
When he got back on top of her with the condom, she opened her eyes to a terrifying sight — the naked guy sitting on her WAS NOT JOHN. Continue reading →
If you read this blog, you know that I am not exactly the most upbeat person in the world. I’m not a Debbie Downer or anything, but I tend to have a pessimistic or, as I like to call it, a realistic view of what I see around me. I’m sorry that I can’t view a flat tire as an opportunity to be outdoors for a beautiful sunset. I can’t see having a job as a reason not to complain about a terrible commute. And I can’t stop myself from wanting to smack whoever can see the good in horrible situations.
That being said, my boyfriend, Mark, and I took our dog, Abel, hiking this weekend. After a two-hour hike to a beautiful lake, I thought, Yes, I can finally rest on the shore and EAT. However, instead of seeing a big, open space and stunning view of the lake I have seen so many times before, I saw what can only be described as a tribe of women. “Why a tribe, Jen? Why not a group?” you might ask. These chicks had lines and symbols painted across their faces and bodies, and they were standing in a circle, chanting. So, yeah, I’m going with “tribe.” Continue reading →
Can you meet a guy at a car meet? I say, why the heck not? Think about it: A guy goes to a bar…why? To meet a girl. But there are 25 guys and 238,978,274,893 girls, most of whom want a husband. The competition alone is enough to make you want to set your extensions on fire. BUT a car meet is made up of 99% guys and only 1% girls! That’s virtually no competition at all. Aka the best place in the entire world to meet someone!
This past weekend I sat and listened to 5 guys (one of which was my boyfriend, Mark) discuss cars for two hours straight. I turned to the person next to me and asked, “Do they always talk about cars?” He said, “Well, to be fair. They all love cars and when guys get together they’re going to talk about what they love.”
It got me thinking: What do girls talk about when we get together? Oh yeah — we talk about our guys who only talk about cars. Continue reading →
I’m trying to decide if I love or hate the idea of a themed-wedding. And when I say “themed,” I don’t mean vintage, rustic, or floral, I mean themed. I came upon an article on the knot, showing how a bride went all-out for her Disney wedding. In other words she may or may not have topped Ariel, herself.
Things I loved:
1. Her bright red hair (duh) and seashell clip-in.
2. The fact that her husband actually participated in this.
This post is inspired by a JenAndMen reader, who I’ll call Michelle, who wrote me the following message:
I’m going through a divorce and all my friends are married with kids. Can I just go to a bar by myself? Is that Lame Sauce or A-OK? Love your blog!
This is a really great topic to debate about: Is it okay to go to a bar alone? I’m going to say “No” — and not just because of the lameness factor. I have compiled a list because (a) it’s easy to read and (b) it’s really fun for me to both compile lists and use the word “compile” on a daily basis.
1. Bars are filled with horny, possibly crazy people…who now have access to alcohol. I honestly just don’t think it’s safe for a chick to go to a bar all by her lonesome. I mean, if the night goes really well, and you end up meeting a guy, who’s going to be able to tell the sketch artist what he looked like if you should suddenly go missing when he walks you to your car?
2. Who’s gonna distract the ugly friends? It’s also good to a have a wing-woman with you — someone to keep the gross friend or friends busy while you mack it to the guy you like. Guys think having a wingman is where it’s at. They haven’t met me as a wing-woman, yet.
One of my best friends, Marie, texted me, infuriated. “It’s not us, it’s THEM!” She proceeded to tell me a story about the guy she’s dating, Max, and what just occurred.
Max couldn’t figure out how to upload the photos from his phone onto his computer (why, no one knows), so he asked Marie for her help. While she plugged it in and did it for him, she obviously watched the pictures begin to upload onto the screen. Continue reading →
Let’s talk about Oscar speeches, shall we? It seems like every winner I see get up there grows a damn beard while making his/her speech! I don’t know about you, but about 10 seconds and 10 “I wouldn’t be here without [insert unknown name]” proclamations, I pretty much pray for the Oscar gods to start playing their legendary “Get your ass off the stage” music. Yet…sometimes…they…don’t.
I just can’t understand how someone can literally believe that anyone besides their own mother would actually care enough about them to listen to them thank every person they’ve ever come across since birth. Let’s list all the winners I don’t care to listen to: Continue reading →
Instagram. The new Facebook — which was the new MySpace, which was the new Aim, which was the new LIVE talking. It’s all the rage these days. It’s the way we show affection to those we love, throw jealousy at those we hate, and tell the world just how deeply inspirational, artsy, and deep we are. Not to mention cool. Yes, it proves just how much James fucking Dean we exhibit on a daily basis.
And without Instagram, think of how unfulfilling our lives would be. Every beautiful sight would just be a view to remember. Continue reading →
Everyone knows the only reason to watch the Superbowl is to see the awesome (and sucky) commercials that are especially made for the big game. And when the “big game” isn’t so big, as you all saw, the commercials really help soften the blow. Only two commercials really stuck out in my mind — Coco Cola’s and Budweiser’s.
I’ve heard a lot of controversy over Coco Cola’s decision to have people from about a million different races, cultures and religions sing America the Beautiful. Haters feel that Coca Cola stepped over the line. I’m just not sure how. Continue reading →
So Jimmy Fallon finally did it. After years of patiently waiting, he was able to fit Jay Leno’s gigantic chin through the door as he kicked him out of the Tonight Show. Don’t get me wrong, I truly love Jimmy Fallon. I was just a little shocked that he was able to secure this spot. Not because he’s not hilarious and entertaining but because, well, it’s Jay freaking Leno.
The truth is though, every era has to come to an end at some point. We all tearfully said Goodbye to Friends and Boy Meets World, didn’t we? Except, with Jay Leno, it’s more like saying Goodbye to Seinfeld. We loved those lunatics — even though they weren’t very nice. They were like our mean cousins that we all secretly agreed with when they made inappropriate comments at the dinner table during holiday get-togethers. Yeah, Jay Leno is like the cast of Seinfeld and all our badass cousins. Jimmy Fallon? He’s more like our adorable yet awesome kid brother. Even if he is Continue reading →
So I’m reading (and seeing) that Bruce Jenner is pretty much on his way to a sex change operation. Now, here’s the thing: I don’t actually care. I do care, however, that he refuses to admit to this. Dude (and I use that term loosely), you have hair plug, ombre that nicer than mine, and a shaved Adam’s apple. Do you really want to continue this charade? I totally get it. If I was married to Kris Kardashian, I’d Continue reading →