Bar Hopping For One: Yay Or Nay?

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This post is inspired by a JenAndMen reader, who I’ll call Michelle, who wrote me the following message:

I’m going through a divorce and all my friends are married with kids. Can I just go to a bar by myself? Is that Lame Sauce or A-OK? Love your blog!

This is a really great topic to debate about: Is it okay to go to a bar alone? I’m going to say “No” — and not just because of the lameness factor. I have compiled a list because (a) it’s easy to read and (b) it’s really fun for me to both compile lists and use the word “compile” on a daily basis.

1. Bars are filled with horny, possibly crazy people…who now have access to alcohol. I honestly just don’t think it’s safe for a chick to go to a bar all by her lonesome. I mean, if the night goes really well, and you end up meeting a guy, who’s going to be able to tell the sketch artist what he looked like if you should suddenly go missing when he walks you to your car?

2. Who’s gonna distract the ugly friends? It’s also good to a have a wing-woman with you — someone to keep the gross friend or friends busy while you mack it to the guy you like. Guys think having a wingman is where it’s at. They haven’t met me as a wing-woman, yet.

3. You look really Continue reading

When The Guy You’re Dating Has A Phone Full of Naked Photos…That Are NOT Of You

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One of my best friends, Marie, texted me, infuriated. “It’s not us, it’s THEM!” She proceeded to tell me a story about the guy she’s dating, Max, and what just occurred.

Max couldn’t figure out how to upload the photos from his phone onto his computer (why, no one knows), so he asked Marie for her help. While she plugged it in and did it for him, she obviously watched the pictures begin to upload onto the screen.
Continue reading

Congratulations – Now Get Off the Stage!

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benLet’s talk about Oscar speeches, shall we? It seems like every winner I see get up there grows a damn beard while making his/her speech! I don’t know about you, but about 10 seconds and 10 “I wouldn’t be here without [insert unknown name]” proclamations, I pretty much pray for the Oscar gods to start playing their legendary “Get your ass off the stage” music. Yet…sometimes…they…don’t.

I just can’t understand how someone can literally believe that anyone besides their own mother would actually care enough about them to listen to them thank every person they’ve ever come across since birth. Let’s list all the winners I don’t care to listen to: Continue reading

Instagram Scheme of Things

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rsz_woodyInstagram. The new Facebook – which was the new MySpace, which was the new Aim, which was the new LIVE talking. It’s all the rage these days. It’s the way we show affection to those we love, throw jealousy at those we hate, and tell the world just how deeply inspirational, artsy, and deep we are. Not to mention cool. Yes, it proves just how much James fucking Dean we exhibit on a daily basis.

And without Instagram, think of how unfulfilling our lives would be. Every beautiful sight would just be a view to remember. Continue reading

Pour Some Coca Cola in that Melting Pot

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Everyone knows the only reason to watch the Superbowl is to see the awesome (and sucky) commercials that are especially made for the big game. And when the “big game” isn’t so big, as you all saw, the commercials really help soften the blow.  Only two commercials really stuck out in my mind — Coco Cola’s and Budweiser’s.

I’ve heard a lot of controversy over Coco Cola’s decision to have people from about a million different races, cultures and religions sing America the Beautiful. Haters feel that Coca Cola stepped over the line. I’m just not sure how. Continue reading

This Really Fal’ Into His Lap

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r620-893d31f8fe90888840c41f9046aae3f1So Jimmy Fallon finally did it. After years of patiently waiting, he was able to fit Jay Leno’s gigantic chin through the door as he kicked him out of the Tonight Show. Don’t get me wrong, I truly love Jimmy Fallon. I was just a little shocked that he was able to secure this spot. Not because he’s not hilarious and entertaining but because, well, it’s Jay freaking Leno.

The truth is though, every era has to come to an end at some point. We all tearfully said Goodbye to Friends and Boy Meets World, didn’t we? Except, with Jay Leno, it’s more like saying Goodbye to Seinfeld. We loved those lunatics — even though they weren’t very nice. They were like our mean cousins that we all secretly agreed with when they made inappropriate comments at the dinner table during holiday get-togethers. Yeah, Jay Leno is like the cast of Seinfeld and all our badass cousins. Jimmy Fallon? He’s more like our adorable yet awesome kid brother. Even if he is Continue reading

Bruce Jenner or Jen Brucer?

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So I’m reading (and seeing) that Bruce Jenner is pretty much on his way to a sex change operation. Now, here’s the thing: I don’t actually care. I do care, however, that he refuses to admit to this. Dude (and I use that term loosely), you have hair plug, ombre that nicer than mine, and a shaved Adam’s apple. Do you really want to continue this charade? I totally get it. If I was married to Kris Kardashian, I’d Continue reading

Valentines’ Slay

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cupidshot_0February 14th can mean only two things to people: Love, joy, and excitement — or hatred, anger and loneliness. I think you could figure out who falls into which group. If you’re in a relationship, it’s like Christmas Part II. You get to see/show just how much you and your partner love each other, give/receive awesome gifts, and get lots and lots and lots of chocolate. What taken person wouldn’t love Valentine’s Day?

Then, of course, you have the untaken people. Untaken people don’t get the love, presents, or 7 pounds of chocolate. Instead, they get to be reminded that they are alone. This upsetting fact is already almost too much to bear the other 364 days of the year…but on a day where everyone is shoving their love for one another down their throats? It’s enough to make someone scream out on a crowded street. Continue reading

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sweetie, Here’s a Salad

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My boyfriend, Mark, told me about an article that asks what is and is not acceptable as a Valentine’s Day gift. Apparently a bunch of women were interviewed and 10/10 of them agreed that dinner could and should be counted as the gift itself.
I just have one question: Were these women interviewed from the confines of their rooms or in the common room at the Mental Institution they’re staying at? Continue reading

Justin Bieber Is A Baby, Baby, Baby, Ohhh…

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According to Complex.com, and just about every single person on my Twitter feed, Justin Beiber was bitch slapped by some basketball player named Blake Griffin. I’m just going to take a moment to say that I think he can be Kim Kardashian’s ex, Chris Humphreys’ identical twin, but moving right along…

Apparently Bieber was trying to order a caramel apple machhiato (do these exist and can someone buy one for me this second) shirtless, and went nuts when the barista told him that he had to be clothed to order. Come on, dude, you’re going to go nuts over that? The guy has just about the least amount of power of any profession in the United States of America. You couldn’t just let him feel like he won? Continue reading

I Retired Jeter’s Jersey Long Before He Ever Will

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So I can’t believe I am once again posting about sports — but it’s not my fault. I am being hit over the head with it from every angle — first the Superbowl, then the Olympics, then the whole Griffin/Bieber bonanza, and now Derek Jeter. (Don’t worry, though, I have a mean story to go along with it!)

In the spirit of giving the people what they want, here goes nothin’: Derek Jeter is retiring after 19 years of playing professional baseball with the NY Yankees.

Jeter, who will be 40 when he retires, has had 3,316 hits (ninth most all-time), 256 home runs and 1,261 runs batted in. He’s been on 13 All-Star teams and won a Rookie of the Year award, as well as five Gold Gloves and five Silver Slugger honors. He also refused to nicely wave Hello to me 5 years ago. So screw him and his shiny yellow gloves. Continue reading

The Gods of Mount Olympics

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So the 2014 Winter Olympic Games began on February 7th, 2014. We can choose between watching alpine skiing, biathlon, bobsleigh racing, cross country skiing, curling, figure skating, freestyle skiing, ice hockey, luge, nordic combined skiing, short track speed skating, skeleton racing, ski jumping, snowboarding, and speed skating. I totally just Googled that.

Much like the Superbowl, I feel like the Olympics can go one of two ways: Either you’re obsessed with it or you couldn’t care less. Unfortunately, I fall in the second category. I don’t even watch baseball or football, so I truly have zero desire to watch anyone compete in sports I’ve never even seen anywhere but in the Olympics. Unless, of course, one of these people are on the screen…

If you’ve read Hot People Get Away With More Because We Like Looking At Them, then you know how I feel about good looking people. Continue reading

Why Children Shouldn’t Be Allowed in Restaurants, Salons, Stores, Movie Theaters, Real Theaters, Resorts, or Public Transportation

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photo1Look, moms, I get it. You have 18 kids and haven’t seen the inside of a salon in five years. Your hair is split and unhighlighted, your cuticles are nothing short of grotesque, and your eyebrows are beginning to frighten the neighbors. You decide there’s no possible way you can go on living looking like Cousin It’s hairier sibling, and decide it’s time to have some hardcore maintenance done. The problem? You’ve used up your babysitting favor-asking with every single one of your friends and family, and no one offers to watch the little nose-pickers, leaving you with what you believe is one choice: Bring the screamers along.

Sadly, you don’t have one choice. Plan B? PAY Continue reading

Baby, It’s Frigid Outside

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photoWith the risk of sounding like I am trying to make small talk with you, readers, I feel I have to talk about what we are all thinking every single second of the day: It’s coooooold outside! And not in the fun Dolly Parton, Rod Stewart way. In the way that makes me flick tiny icicles off my nostrils as I ski down the streets of New York City. New…York…City, you hear that Mother Nature? Not freaking Anchorage, Alaska! What the hell is going on here? My hands have that old-man red, dry, cracking and bleeding thing going on that I’m sure everyone around me (especially those who have to shake it) are totally appreciative of. Continue reading

I Can’t Belieb This

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It’s baffling to me just how much press Justin Bieber is getting for his arrest. I mean, really, people — this is what constitutes as news nowadays? What about the fact that people (including myself) don’t have jobs or health insurance? What about stories from Washington, DC, so we know what the hell’s going on in this country?; what about acts of heroism from police officers and firefighters? I’d even take hearing about this brick weather and seeing video of little kids sledding in Central Park. But, instead, I get to watch an over-privileged, under-masculine, all-around annoying white boy get cuffed on his LAMBORGHINI after snorting up all his easily earned money. Super. Continue reading

Go from Rejectional to Exceptional (Part 2)

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This is a continuation of my previous post, Go from Rejectional to Exceptional (Part 1), which explains how I am doing my best-friend-duty to find Jason a girlfriend by writing to girls on PlentyofFish.com. Here we go again:

In the second paragraph I ask questions about her life (LIFE not DAY). This is a very common mistake guys make. Listen, buddy, I don’t care how hot you are. No girl wants to discuss her mood or her day in the first message with a complete stranger. That’s something way more intimate than guys can comprehend, and isn’t likely going to be shared immediately. Whenever I’d get a message like “How’s your day going, beautiful?” I’d usually delete it. It shows that a guy simply looked at your picture and not your profile and most likely is trying to sleep with you. Continue reading

Go from Rejectional to Exceptional (Part 1)

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So lately I have been on a covert mission to get my best friend, Jason, a girlfriend. After years of hearing him complain about PlentyofFish.com, the site where I met my boyfriend, I finally decided to give him some help.

After getting his username and password, I began searching for girls who I think would be a good fit for Jason (cute, family-oriented, well-rounded, good job, short). Once I find a suitable prospect, I send him a screen shot of her picture. (He couldn’t care less about her profile). If he gives me the ‘okay’, I send the girl a message. Continue reading

Going From Careless to Careerless

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bigstock-Unemployed-Woman-With-Cardboar-29242565There’s nothing more frustrating than being 26 years old, and career-less. I’d always pictured myself as having two books published by now, a third on the way, and a fabulous job at a swanky literary agency, publishing house, or marketing/PR company.

I’d be flying all around the world, meeting with up-and-coming and famous authors, actors, and singers. I’d go to events constantly, and host dinner parties in my Park Avenue two-floor apartment. Christian would be sending me Louboutins to showcase on my red carpet runs, and Versace would beg me to wear the star of his new line to one my events. I’d be rich, beautiful, and most of all, successful. I’d have accomplished my professional dreams, and would be the envy of everyone who ever met me.

When did reality hit for me? Continue reading

Grand Re-Opening of JenAndMen.com!

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meI know I’ve been MIA for a long time now…and I’m sorry! I recently renewed my domain name, JenAndMen.com, (wouldn’t want any porn sites snatching it up), and now I’m back in business. I’m switching up my posts a bit. As you remember, I have a long-term boyfriend now, Mark. This means I won’t have my same crazy bad date stories, because I won’t be going on any bad dates lol (unless, of course, I catch him staring at a waitress’ boobs, or something, haha. Don’t worry, I’ll still have my super insightful views, funny anecdotes and, of course, my friends’ insane dating sagas. Keep reading, faithful readers!

Best,

Jen :-)

Drowning On A Bad First Date

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This is a post about a bad date worthy of a movie, the kind I was accustomed to having way back when…

Last week, my friend Alan went on a first date with Jill, a girl he met online. Unlike traditional means, they decided to watch a movie at her apartment. While he was on his way to her, she called him.

“Do you think you can fix my toilet?” she asked, randomly. “It’s not really working the right way.”

Continue reading

A Romantic Vacation Isn’t Complete Without A Head Injury

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For the first time ever, I went on a romantic couple’s vacation. My boyfriend, Mark, took me to Jamaica last week. Because he is the outdoorsy type, we did some pretty crazy stuff, including ziplining, river-tubing, and climbing a waterfall. I, myself, prefer calmer activities — massages, poolside sunbathing, and peaceful kayaking off the shoreline. Well, the massage was painful as Hell, I got an insane sunburn, and the damn kayaking almost killed me! Ironic, I know.

I was mocked by the Water Sports Activities’ director the second I strapped the life vest on (with his help) and sat down in the boat.

“Have you ever kayaked before?” he asked me, smiling.

“Once, when I was younger. Why?” I asked.

“Because you’re sitting the opposite direction that you’ll be paddling. Don’t worry, he’ll still be here if you turn away from him for a few minutes,” he said, laughing.

Embarrassed, I turned myself around and proceeded to sit as Mark paddled us away from the shore.

When we got far enough away from him, I yelled “Picture time!”, adjusted my favorite pair of sunglasses, and handed him the Go Pro.

After we each took a picture of the other, I said that I wanted to get one together. However, as Mark tried to head over toward me, I knew the rocking of the kayak was way too forceful for him to move any further.

“Forget it, I don’t need the picture!” I yelled frightened, as we swayed from side to side.

But Mark is a guy, and God forbid he should listen. Within seconds, the kayak flipped and I was thrown into the ocean. With water up my nose, and my heart racing, I was just about to “I told you so” him.

That’s when it happened.

The kayak completed its flip and the water pressure sent it plummeting down directly onto my face.

For the first moment or two I felt myself passing out, but I knew I had to stay conscious to keep from drowning. I settled for crying hysterically.

Not seeing what had happened, Mark quickly went from laughing hysterically to concerned about my head injury upon seeing my tears. He flipped the kayak back over, and put me into it, before climbing back in himself.

“I have a bump!” I yelled, feeling the huge lump on my forehead.

“It’s not so bad, babe. It’s really tiny,” Mark said, trying to calm me.

I was about to argue the point, when something more important caught my eye. When I looked back at the shore, the hotel was a tiny dot in the distance. How did we get so far out?

First I panicked, then I went into survival mode. I shouted “Left” and “Right” like a drill sergeant, and we eventually paddled our way back to the director, who was no longer laughing when he saw the HUGE bump on my head, and the tears streaming down my face.

When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I realize Mark had lied and it looked like I had a second head growing out of my forehead. That was also the time I realized I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses in the ocean (they must have gotten knocked off my head when I was almost knocked out). That brought on a whole other set of hysterical tears.

Mark apologized for trying to take the picture even though the kayak was rocking, and made me an ice pack, which I kept pressed to my head while crying, walking through the resort and lying on the beach. I assume everyone there thought I was a battered wife, because not a single person inquired about my head injury.

It’s just my luck to get a bump the size of Texas on my romantic vacation!

Have you ever been injured on a romantic vacation?

6 Things Your Music Taste Says About You

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The following is a Guest Post from my friends over at Tastebuds.fm (a site where you can meet people with similar music tastes)…

Better look out – your music taste can give away more about you than you may think. We’re not yet at the stage of evolution where admitting you like Rihanna, Nirvana or The Kilimanjaro Darkjazz Ensemble will tell others what you keep in your fridge exactly – but your favorite genres can give away a lot. Here’s what you have to be aware of… Continue reading

Embarrassing Myself On Movie Dates

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I hate when I laugh out loud in a movie when everyone else is silent.

About a week ago, my boyfriend, Mark, and I went to see the movie “This is 40″. Paul Rudd, the star, plays the owner of a music studio. He talks about how much he loves Simon & Garfunkel. When he and his wife get into a fight, he calls the awkward silence “The Sounds of Silence”, Simon & Garfunkel’s most famous song.

Naturally, I laughed hysterically. There was only one problem — I was the only one Continue reading

I Am A Snack-Sneaking Ninja

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Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I will spend my money on just about anything. I will not, however, give my local movie theater one more dime! Back in the day, when I was 15, movies cost $6! Now it’s $15 just to walk in the door! (Wow, I’m old.) God forbid if you want to see something in 3D!

This is why I bring my own snacks, ghetto-style, to the movies. I sneak in candy, drinks, and other treats.  I used to bring water bottles or M&Ms, but now I’m daring with cans of soda and bags of Butterfingers minis.

When I proudly told my cousin about my deviousness, she said, “Candy and soda? You’re an amateur! I pop my own popcorn and bring it in a ziplock baggie!” Continue reading

He Had The Key To Her Heart, But Not Her Jail Cell

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Last month, my friend Jill spent the night with the guy she was seeing, Kyle. There was only problem: His parents were extremely strict and she wasn’t actually allowed to be there.

They were planning on beating the system by waking up at 7AM, before his parents woke up. Naturally, they overslept.

At 9:30AM, Jill called our friend Marissa.

“Mariss, you have to come get me,” she frantically whispered. I’m hiding out in Kyle’s basement until his parents go out to breakfast.” Continue reading

Is That Your Thong Wrapped Around My Chihuahua’s Head?

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BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA (2008)<br /><br /><br /><br />
PIPER PERABO (left), CHLOE (right)My friend Marissa (the fake belly dancer) told me a hilarious story that reminded me of one of my favorite episodes of Frasier.

One morning, after spending the night with her boyfriend, she started getting dressed to go home. Unfortunately, she was missing something: her thong. She looked all over his room, and then eventually gave up and left the house commando.

Later that day, her boyfriend called her hysterically laughing. Continue reading

When Having Alley Sex With A Hooker, Always Be Sure To Look For A Five O’Clock Shadow

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I have a bunch of friends that work in the sanitation department – and let me tell you…those guys have some stories.

One night at four in the morning, one of the guys, who I’ll call Lou, came across a hooker.

“For thirty bucks I’ll give you a blowjob,” she said.

“Frank, you gotta let me borrow thirty bucks,” Lou said to his coworker. “I promise I’ll finish the rest of the route.” Continue reading

When There’s Nothing But A Guitar Between You & Your Girlfriend’s Parents

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photoMy friend Jack recently took up the guitar. One morning, he woke up at his girlfriend Lucy’s house and decided to sneak into the living room in his underwear to practice.
 
As he sat there playing a Greenday song, he heard the jingling of a lock. In walked Lucy’s parents, holding cleaning supplies and breakfast (their weekly tradition which he had completely forgotten about).
 
Shit, Jack thought. What am I gonna do now??

Fel-Lay-She-Oh-No!

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The following is a guest post from a JenAndMen reader (who I’ll call Frank). Frank emailed me at JenAndMen@hotmail.com to tell me about a time he was caught by an uncle of his girlfriend-at-the-time, while she was…well, while she was doing something that no one would ever want their uncle to see…

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Giving New Meaning To “A Balcony View”

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Two of my good friends, Lucy and Jack, went on vacation to Aruba a few years ago. They had a beautiful room, but were a little annoyed that it wasn’t beachfront but, rather, on the third floor. Rather than let it ruin their trip, they decided to see the light in the situation — privacy.

One afternoon after going for a swim they decided to “consummate their love”. Anyway, after about a half hour, Jack saw something in the corner of his eye, which made both of them turn toward the window. Horrified, they came to a realization: Close the curtains even if your room isn’t on the ground level. Continue reading

Shake Ya Body Like A Mistaken Belly Dancer

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belly_dancer-1My friend Marissa is a little freckled Irish Promo Girl. That basically means that she goes to events, bars, clubs and liquor stores and talks up a particular alcohol to sell. Sometimes she’ll even give out samples and little give-aways.

A couple weeks ago, her boss asked her if she wanted to work a short shift on New Year’s Eve. Since it was double the pay, she decided to take it. When she got to the location, though, that’s when things started to get funny. Continue reading

I’m Back, Baby!

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First and foremost, I owe my fans an apology. I’ve been so caught up with my life that I haven’t made any time to write for JenAndMen. But I’m back, I promise!

I’ve hit a non-dating-related rough patch in my life, which I may talk about one day on the blog. For now I’ll just say that it has caused me a great deal of pain and stress, and has distracted me from my everyday activities, but I’m working through it with therapy, healthy living, and support from my loved ones. I also plan on incorporating some of my new mantras into some future posts.

As you can see, I changed the red hair. For those of you upset by this, I usually switch up my hair color every few years. Who knows, maybe next summer I’ll be a blonde and next winter I could be a redhead again. I’ve heard a plethora of great stories from my friends, so be prepared to laugh over the next couple of weeks!

Anywho, happy reading!

His Lesbian Girlfriend Married Her Lesbian Girlfriend

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My friend Paul is in love with a lesbian he works with. We go back and forth between calling her his girlfriend and calling her his lesbian. When he first told me about her I didn’t think anything of it. Then I saw her in a holiday video his office had posted on their website and changed my mind. I became a little bit of a lesbian for her! And it killed Paul to know that I had more of a chance to get with her than he did!

Continue reading

Save The Flakes For Tony The Tiger

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Nothing bothers me more than a flakey person — whether I’m dating him/her or not. I am the queen of making plans and then being super lazy and not wanting to follow through with them. But I always do — because it’s just rude to have someone keep their schedule open for you and then leave them hanging because you decided you don’t feel like getting dressed and going out.

When the guy I’m dating is flakey…I go crazy. Why? Because the person you’re dating is supposed to want to see you above all others. They have time to go to work, family parties, and out with their friends, but can’t see you or take you out to dinner? Unacceptable.

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We’re The Ones Making You Vomit

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This post may shock some (or all) of  you, but it’s not yelling about or bashing anyone. Why? I’m actually dating a normal human being, Mark. And he’s sweet and adorable and enjoys spending time with me. I almost think he may be a guy one of you hired to mess with me so that when he screws me over you’ll really get some crazed material out of me.

Mark and I met online when I clicked “Yes” in the “Meet Me” feature. We really hit it off immediately, and have been on like 6 dates since.  We text/instant message throughout the day, speak on the phone at lunch, and talk/Skype for 3-4 hours at night. I even showed him my JenAndMen iPhone App. He hasn’t freaked out about it…yet. So far, so good.

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Facebook, Blowin’ Up Spots One Sneaky Move At A Time

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The following is a hilarious story about how Facebook completely and utterly blew up my friend Kyle’s spot when he tried dating two girls at once…

Kyle was dating a girl named Alma for a few months. Unfortunately, they could never become official — or let anyone know about their relationship for that matter — because her family is religious and would never approve. Because of this, Kyle was forced, against his will, to move on.

He and Alma began talking less and less, and while it upset it, he continued to live his life and meet other girls…one of which was Melissa.

Continue reading

How to Interpret Your Guy

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The following is a Guest Post from Eric J. Leech…

For a woman to communicate with guys on dating websites, she may think that she must use a combination of bat signals, woots, grunts, snorts, burps, huffs, and toots. However, you don’t need Little Orphan Annie’s decoder ring to understand your guys’ strange behaviors. All it really takes is a combination of evolution, psychology, and a dash of good old fashioned uncommon sense. I’ve been collecting some of the biggest questions that women have about their men, and now it’s about time that you get some answers.

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To All The Guys Who Come Crawling Back: All I Hear Is “I Tried To Find Someone Better Than You & Failed”

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I’m getting really tired of my exes asking me if we can give it another go. Let’s get this straight: You treated me like dirt, allowed me to end it with you, looked around for a girl who you thought would be equal to my looks, personality, intelligence, passion, and TOLERANCE FOR YOU, and were shocked when you couldn’t find said imaginary girl? And, on top of all that, you actually believed I would take you back?

I almost pity these guys. But I don’t. Because I hate them too much.

Continue reading

While On The Train: To Approach Or Not To Approach, That Is The Question

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Only-in-New-York-1My friend Joe and I were discussing train flirting the other day. He had seen a really pretty girl on his way to work, and didn’t know if it was appropriate to say something to her.

While going back and forth about it, he came up with a really good line. If the girl got off at his stop, he’d say, “Listen, you really don’t have to stalk me. I’ll just give you my number, it’s okay.”

Continue reading

South Africans Must Have Dutch Heritage

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If you’re up to date with Part 1 and Part 2 of the South African saga, you’ll enjoy the final chapter.

We walked into the bar/restaurant and were seated in the back.

“Wow, that’s a really bright ‘EAT’ sign to stare at. I’ll put you at that side of the table,” he said. And he did. I must say, it was odd to have such bright, shining, white lights so close to the Devil, himself.

Continue reading

Ever Notice The Person That Makes You Feel The Best Can Also Make You Feel The Worst?

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If you’ve ever been in love — or at the very least happy with someone — you can attest to the fact that the person you’re with can affect your entire mood. A fight can make your day miserable and making up can chase that black cloud away immediately.

I guess the real question is, How can someone that makes you feel so great also make you feel so horrible? They can make you feel like you’ve finally got it right; you’re not alone, weird, destined to die by yourself. Then, in the drop of a hat, something they say can make you feel all those things ten-fold, because you thought you had found the person you were meant to be with, and now you’re second-guessing them, the relationship, and yourself.

Continue reading

“Jen, Are You Sure You’re The Same Girl I Asked Out?”

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My last post was Part 1 of the of the torturous tale that was my South African date. This, my dear friends, is Part 2. It pays homage to the phrase, “Never say ‘It can’t get any worse’”.

After having Mark, the South African, call me up and tell me to walk 15 minutes to where he was, I completely lost any liking I had of the guy. He had already made me meet him at the most disgusting restaurant ever built, and was now not even willing to rescue me from it.

“Just walk East,” he told me.

“If I knew which way East was I still wouldn’t walk that way, because I’m a girl and I’m alone and I don’t like this sketchy neighborhood,” I replied. “Just come here. I’ll wait for you.”

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Our Romantic First Date Is At A Take-Out Dump?!

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If you recall the post about me meeting that hot South African guy, you may be wondering what ever came of it. The answer: Me crying through the streets of Manhattan in a bad neighborhood that I wasn’t familiar with. In a dress. At night.

Part 1 of the torturous tale:

The night started off terribly when he made me wait twenty minutes for him outside the dumpiest little take-out place anyone has ever seen.

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Try And Push Your Penis On Me & All You’ll Get Is My Cold Shoulder

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Do we all remember the post I’ll Totally Trade You A Green Card For A Diamond Ring? Well, I never did post about the couple of dates I went on with that gorgeous foreign guy, Lorenzo, and how he told me he was going to rape me. No, you didn’t misread that. He also stopped talking to me when I wouldn’t sleep with him. On our second date.

I’ll do things a bit backwards, seeing as how I just ran into him and my hands are shaking, and post the end of the story first.

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Fact: You Will Always Run Into People If You Look Like Crap

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We all do it. Wake up, feel like crap, and decide, “Hey, it’ll be a great idea to forego makeup (if you’re a girl) and doing my hair (unisex decision) and go out looking like I feel.” Then, about twenty-eight seconds after making this lazy decision, we realize it may not have been our finest choice. Usually this realization comes from good-looking people throwing garbage at us.

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When Sobriety On Your Date Is No Longer An Option

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I’m not a big drinker…at all. But when I know a date is going to be bad — and I can sense it within 5 minutes — the wine is ordered immediately. I drink it for two reasons: (1) To numb the pain of the torture I am about to withstand and (2) It makes a guy a little less obnoxious (or perhaps it makes me a little more obnoxious, either way, it’s a win/win).

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I Like Mixed Drinks, Not Mixed Signals

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This post is about my friend Lance. Last week, a girl he used to like but had gotten a boyfriend, Laila, called him and asked if he wanted to have sushi. He hates sushi, so he said, “Of course,” and met up with her (haha).

While they were there, he told Laila that they should have gone for Mexican food in the city, because they could be drinking margaritas.  Within ten minutes, they were in a cab heading to a place he knew.

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Guys, Just Look Pretty & Don’t Speak; I Like You Better When You’re Silent

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Girls always get the bad rep of having big mouths, but I’ve come to realize over the past 10 years of dating that I like guys a lot more when they’re completely silent. I have yet to come across a guy that didn’t piss me off at least three times a day. And that’s seriously low-balling it.

It’s as if they go out of their way to piss me off, hurt my feelings, disgust me, or flat out repulse me. I only date good looking guys, so really if they just called, texted, and spoke less, I really feel like we’d have a better shot.

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Other Girls Get A Flash Mob, I Just Get Flashed

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I  have been seeing girl after girl get engaged — whether it be via Facebook, Youtube, or an email forward. Friends, family, strangers, everyone and their freaking divorced mother is getting engaged lately.

The best are these flash mobs that are attacking Youtube. Girls with boyfriends who love them so much that they convince their family and friends to dance like idiots in a syncronized manner to an awesome song like “Marry Me” by Train or “I Think I Wanna Marry You” by Bruno Mars. (Here are two of my faves because in one the guy, himself, dances & in the other it’s all the girls’ family and friends and she gets to sit!)

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I Sent A Guy A Text About Another Guy By Accident!

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This is just sad on my part. I was once talking to my friend Chris about a guy I had been seeing a couple weeks prior. The conversation turned to whether or not he was a good kisser. I proceeded to go into detail about his terrible kissing skills. Then I looked up at the name on my iPhone screen.

It. Wasn’t. Chris’.

I realized that I had been sending these texts to a new guy, David, I was talking to! FML isn’t even the word. Continue reading

“Jen, Your Eyes Are Dark Like Shit So Maybe They Have Blood & Bile In Them”

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No, that quote is not made up. Sadly, it was said to me while on a first (and clearly sole) date with someone.

I once went on a date with someone I met in a bar. I had only spoken to him for a couple minutes when he told me he had to run and asked for my number. We texted for the next week, and spoke on the phone for a little over an hour one night. Then he asked if I wanted to go to dinner that weekend.

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A Guy Told Me I Have Bad Karma Because I ‘Bash’ Guys On My Website

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Even re-reading the title infuriates me. My friend Rob, who I’ve known for years, pissed me the eff off the other day when he basically told me that my bad love life is my own fault because it’s the universe’s way of getting back at me for “bashing” guys on JenAndMen.

First of all, I don’t bash anyone. I’m sorry that I let the world know when a guy treats me like shit, insults me, and makes me pay for dinner. I don’t even put the bastards’ real names for God’s sake. But it’s my bad KARMA?! Really?? Bad karma is dating nerds to laugh at them. What I have is a Goddamned CURSE.

Now, as far as dating for blog material — are you effing kidding me?! What kind of human being purposefully picks shitty guys to date just so they can write about it later on in the night. There are about 8.2 billion topics in Cosmo that I can look at and write about, I don’t need to subject myself to the torture I go through on a daily basis, thank you very much.

I think what upsets me the most is that the person who said this is someone I actually consider to be a friend, not a close friend, but a close nonetheless. And for a friend to think that of me — not even a stranger — just leaves me speechless and sad. I – WANT – A – BOYFRIEND. Any true JenAndMen reader or loved one knows that and knows I’d love nothing more than to write about other people’s screwed up loved lives and finally have a nice one of my own.

Read on to see our copy-and-pasted Facebook conversation…

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“I’m Not Going Into A Relationship Knowing That I Have To Fix You”

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I was talking to my friend Cindy the other day about a guy she’s been “talking to” for the past 6 months.

“Do you think you’ll ever be exclusive with him?” I asked.

“Honestly, probably not,” Cindy said, shrugging. “He has some issues that I’m not comfortable with and, to be honest, I’ve been down that road before in past relationships and Continue reading

When The Fourth Gorgeous Guy Emerged From The Coat Room I Assumed I Had Found Narnia

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Okay, so I told you about my Fashion’s Night Out incident with the South African. Here’s what occurred before that moment (and the reason I was drunk when I met him):

The moment we walked into Gucci, we knew we struck gold. Unlike other stores – who were giving away an ounce of champagne in paper cups – this place had waiters walking around in tuxedos, filling glasses of champagne for the customers. And that wasn’t even the best part – the waiters were actually models who were hired by Fashion’s Night Out coordinators to make the store more “appealing”. And appealing they were – I mean it was.

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I Hate When My Male Friend Touches Me In A Bar & Other Guys Think We’re Together

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There’s nothing worse than a guy not approaching me in a bar or club because he thinks I’m dating my guy friend. It’s one thing to have a guy not want to approach me, but to miss out because my stupid friend keeps touching my back or arm is just infuriating!

A couple weeks ago, I went out to a bar with two of my friends (one male, one female). For whatever reason my male friend, Mike, kept grabbing my arm while he spoke to me, putting his hand on my back, etc. Now, I know what you’re thinking — and you’re wrong. Mike was actually into my girl friend! He just talks that way!

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I’m Scared of Guys With Fetishes Ever Since My Big Toe Was Made Out With Against My Will

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When I was in college I was friends with a guy, Marty, who had a sick foot fetish. I’ll never forget the first time I met him, in our Psychology class, and caught him staring at my flip-flopped feet.

“Maybe he’s gay and was admiring our footwear?” I asked my best friend, Kerry.

“No, I think he was admiring our feet,” she said, and we both shuddered. Then we completely forgot about it.

A few classes later, I was dying from a wicked headache, and he offered to walk down and get me some Advil. We were close ever since. Continue reading

I Met A Hot South African While Taking A Picture of My Foot

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My girlfriends and I went out a couple weeks ago for Fashion’s Night Out. If you don’t live in New York City, it’s basically a time when all fashionistas dress up in their chicest clothes to try and one-up the next girl (or gay guy). There are events all over the city, and champagne is given out in some of the high-end stores. It’s essentially the epitome of Fashion Week, when everyone who’s everyone comes in to the city to attend/coordinate all the fashion shows.

Anywho, by the end of the night, I was four glasses of champagne in and starrrrving. Luckily, we had made reservations at Tao, a fancy Asian restaurant that charges about $87 for a California roll. We made our way through the beautiful-people-filled streets and into the Tao foyer.

As I walked through the door, I received a text message from a friend of mine (who sceeves feet). I had sent him a picture of my outfit and he wrote back, “Very pretty, I hope you didn’t ruin it with open-toed shoes.” To show him I ‘hadn’t', I held on to the door and began to take a picture of my foot.

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I’m Sweet As Pie, You’re Sour As Tart

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There’s nothing worse than being sweet with a guy (or girl) and having him completely ruin the moment. Very rarely am I nice to anyone, so when I am, people better damn well appreciate it.

The other day I was talking to a guy about pie (random, I know, but he loves pie so whatever floats your boat, mister). We were saying that we were going to have a little pie date later in the week. He told me that his favorite kind was key lime pie (yuck!).

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“Jen, You’re On My ‘Shit-I-Can-Tolerate, But Wanna Smack A Little Bit’ List”

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No, you did not misread the title of this post. A guy actuallyyyyyyy saiddddd thatttttt to meeeeeeee. Okay, deep breaths. In, out; in out.

Do you remember the post l’ll Go From Hot To Cold So Fast You Won’t Even Know What Hit You? Because he obviously did not.

Three weeks ago I began talking to a guy that I used to date. Now you know why I used to date him. Anyway, I was bored and sent him a cutesy text with 5 things I liked. (Greek salad, fuzzy socks, etc) and the fifth thing on the list was “When you entertain me.” I felt that it was less cheesy than saying “You” and sounded cute.

I got back a list of his 5 Likes, none of which had anything to do with me. When I jokingly inquired about this, I received THIS… Continue reading

My Friend Tried To Set Me Up With A Guy That Sent Her A Picture Of His Penis!

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Okay, we all know the drill when it comes to being set up by your friends: It Sucks. Why? Because friends mean well but the truth is they are blinded by the fact that either (1) They’re in a happy relationship & want you to be in one with ANYONE regardless of your compatibility (2) They are friends with both you and the guy/girl so they don’t see their flaws and/or (3) They’re stupid.

Anyway, here’s what happened to me…

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I Love How My Guy Friends Are Always Willing To Step Up To The Bed – I Mean Plate – For Me

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As you know, I’ve had a particularly bad streak of dating luck lately for whatever reason. Even more so than usual. My guy friends (who read my blog) have been so kind as to their services to me to alleviate my frustrations if you will; sweet, right? Eye roll.

I’ve had about 4 of 5 male friends offer, but here is one friend’s Facebook conversation in particular. He’s like a lawyer with his reasoning; and check out the dates, can’t fault the guy for a lack of persistence…

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I Stole My Bf Away From His Gf & I’m Convinced It Gave Me Years Of Bad Dating Karma

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A few years ago I worked as a waitress — a terrible, terrible waitress — and met a really cute guy on my very first day. He was the only one willing to help me without getting angry (I could only carry one dish at a time because I’m tiny) and I immediately began forming a crush on him. There was just one problem: He had a girlfriend for two and a half years.

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My Brother Wants To Throw Me A Surprise Party & Only Invite Guys I’ve Dated; My Mother Says Our Backyard Isn’t Big Enough

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My brothers are constantly laughing at the fact that I’ve had so many boyfriends. They cannot remember anyone’s name and barely remember when I give out some extra details to try and remind them who I am speaking about.

Andrew, the prankster of the family, always says that he wants to throw me a surprise party and only invite guys I’ve dated.

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Screw You, Happy Couples

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I don’t think it’s fair that some girls get to be loved unconditionally, while others are forced to deal with jerk after jerk, yearning for attention, crying constantly over this mistreatment.

The other day I was listening to my friend Charlie talk about how much he loves his wife (they’re newlyweds), and how he realized he really knew what love was before he met her.

My answer: Charlie, you make me sick. Continue reading

“I Love You, But I Love Me More”

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There comes a point in every dying relationship where you have to make a choice: Your girl/boyfriend or you. Just like if you were in the woods or on a mountaintop or in the jungle and only one of you could come out of it alive – it simply becomes a matter of survival. In this case, emotional survival. Hell, in most of my cases, physical survival as well.

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All You Have To Do Is Change Names Because All Guys Are Exactly The Same

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Yesterday I had dinner with one of my best friends, Daphne. After not seeing each other for two entire months, it was easy to find ourselves leaving the restaurant three and a half hours and a pitcher of sangria later. Because we both had so much to tell the other, we decided our best strategy for catching up would be to take turns telling 10-minute stories. So, roughly 21 stories each. Yup.

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Exes Sense Happiness & Try To Suck It Out Of You

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I don’t know if it’s some super-human sixth sense that brings in the snakes — I mean, the exes — back.

My ex knows exactly when I’m feeling great. Get interviewed on Elvis Duran & the Morning Show? I get a text. Loving my new job? I get a text. Have a new boyfriend? I get a text. The guy just knows when I’m happy and wants nothing but to suck the happiness out of me like the venomous snake that he is.

Last week, as I happily planned my date with Brad, I got a text message. I looked down at my lit-up screen excitedly, expecting it to be him. Except it wasn’t.

“Still hate me?” Continue reading

I Hit An All-Time Low & Had To Facebook A Guy’s Grandmother To Get My Jewelry Back!

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I’ve been getting some confused emails and comments, so I know many of you are wondering what happened to the 21-year-old. He’s gone. We stopped seeing each other the weekend after Valentine’s Day, because he has to deal with something very big in his life that I don’t really feel comfortable blogging about. No sad faces, though, because it wasn’t going to work out on my end, anyway.

Things were left on a very amicable level — which has now gone so far in the opposite direction that I had to write his grandmother a message on Facebook, asking her to yell at him for me.

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Confidence is a Virtue, Not A Vice

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I usually get attacked or criticized for being my usual confident self. But, the thing is, I’m not really sure why everyone has such a problem with confidence. When I meet someone who is happy with how they look or who they are, I take an instant liking to them.

Some of my readers left comments inquiring whether or not I get angry when negativity and anger is aimed at me. The answer to that question is “no.” My mother always told me that when someone is trying to pick a fight with me, I should walk the other way.

In this case, I simply click the other way. Because there are always going to be people who dislike you and there are always going to be people who don’t necessarily dislike you, but they have such self-loathing that they project their hatred onto you because…you’re there.

This, my friends and frenemies, should never hinder your confidence. Lady Gaga bans ice from her concerts because she’s afraid crazed people will throw it at her. Does she stop her career? No! She gets crazier! I relate to her oh so much, fans ;) Continue reading

What Your Online Dating Profile Photos Should *Not* Look Like, Guys

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I am constantly shocked by the horrid photos I come across while fishing through my messages on online dating sites. And I’m not just talking about the standard kissy-faced, idiotic shots of ugly people. I’m talking about over-the-top, jaw-dropping photos that make you say, “Are you kidding?!” aloud and immediate email the photo to your friends.

1. Flexing Shirtless-In-The-Bathroom-Mirror 

Dude, you don’t look good. The sooner you accept this, the sooner we can all move on to your normal photos. First of all, I don’t know who told you that putting up a picture with a TOILET in the background was sexy… Continue reading

Jen And Men iPhone App: What Whatttt

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What’s more thrilling than reading Jen And Men or playing on your iPhone? Combining the two! I now have an App in the App Store that you can download.

You can also follow me on Twitter and see my post updates on my Facebook page. Comment on any and all blog posts, and I will reply to every single one with your name at the beginning of the response. Feel free to message me any dating stories you’d like featured on the blog using the contact form on the right side of the page or by emailing me at JenAndMen@hotmail.com. Also, please retweet anything you like! And, most of all, enjoy my site!

Thanks for the support, everyone! :)